DON’T STAY BECA– USE YOU "SHOULD" | FAMILY COUNSELING CENTER ASSOCIATION

“I’m writing to you because I’ve decided to separate from my husband of 19 years. We have one daughter together who will be going to college this fall and my other daughter (not his) is married with 2 children.

My husband was addicted to pain killers, Zanex, Oxycotin, crack and heroin. He had colon cancer and they got it all with his surgeries, but he had some other health issues that put in in contact with pain killers. His brother who lived close by was also addicted and they hung together. My husband collected SSI disability, not working. He has lied numerous times. Money and jewelry of mine and my daughter’s were stolen from the house. Credit cards went missing and were used with new cards being opened in my name without me knowing. He took in the mail everyday and hid bills from me. I did not know what was going on until he and his brother were picked up by the cops. I had to bail him out of jail. Then, he told me the whole story. This had been going on for two and a half years.

He went to detox for 4 days, but didn’t go to rehab. He stayed away from his brother and was good for 4 months. Then he started again–more money was stolen from the house and things were not going well. He must have felt guilty because he told me he had a problem again six months later. He went to a meth clinic, which seems to help him, but he still lies. He’s not home all day and the house isn’t cleaned. I don’t believe a word he says.

My daughter loves him and I know she’ll be mad if I separate from him. but I don’t know if he’ll go back to it. We rent my mother’s first floor apartment and she’s had enough of him already. He ruined my credit and we’re filing for Chapter 13 bankruptcy. But as crazy as it sounds, he’s a very sensitive, caring, loving and intelligent person! I truly believe he’s ADHD. He was doing okay with the methadone clinic, but when he was with his brother the other day, his brother got into trouble. The brother went to jail and got released, but my husband’s name was in the paper along with his brother. It was very embarrassing for all of us. He’s not supposed to be with his brother, but he says he feels sorry for him, giving him a ride once in a while.

Now that I’ve told him I want to get separated, he’s very upset. I feel bad, but I can’t live with his back-and-forth life anymore. I need to clean up the mess of my live and move on. I feel guilty. He says he wants to try and he’s doing good on his program, but the truth is that–with all the mess of the last 3 or 4 years, I don’t have feelings for him any more.

Any thoughts?–“Sick Of It All

Dear Sick,

I’d say this has been a tough decision for you, particularly since you still care for the guy even if you’re not in love with him now. Relationships are challenging anyway. Dealing with the addiction issues and the stuff that comes with it–lies, stealing–is very, very hard. Having an addicted spouse is one of the most difficult situations. The roller coaster of them getting clean and relapsing can wear you out.

The thing is that love can die. If the cost of a relationship is more that what you get out of it, the relationship is no longer workable. You’re daughter loves him–and you don’t hate him most of the time–and that’s completely understandable. It still doesn’t mean you should stay with him.

* * *

I’m gonna say it again–no one but you gets to decide when you stay or go.

Your relationship is a very intimate, personal experience and no one else really knows the inside of it–your private experience–the way you do. Other people have opinions, of course, but these are necessarily based on an incomplete picture.

Clients ask me all the time if they “should” stay in their relationships. If children are involved, people often think they should stay for their kids. I get this. You want the best for your children. You love them and you’re trying to be the best parent you can, but I don’t think the concept of should fits this picture. Some couples with children can work things out. They still have enough connection to one another to salvage the relationship. Some don’t.

Don’t think your kids don’t know how unhappy you are. They know. Even the young ones can sense the tension and unhappiness in the home. I’ve had children of conflicted couples tell me they wished their parents would divorce because the stress in the home was so high. Parents sometimes disagree with this, saying that they never fight with their spouses and that their kids are happy, but I ask then if they’re role-modeling a healthy relationship for their children.

Having been married thirty-plus years, I know first hand that every relationship faces challenges. We’re human and we all have things we need to learn. I’m not suggesting that jumping out of a relationship at the first sign of conflict is the best choice. Most individuals considering leaving their relationships have had problems in the relationship for a long, long time. They’re just worn down and unable to continue the way they are.

The decision of what to do with your relationship is yours. Some come to counseling as a “last ditch” help. At that point, it doesn’t usually help. Too much water has passed under the bridge.

Don’t wait. Counseling can feel weird–telling your intimate feelings to a total stranger–but it can help you learn how to work through issues in the relationship. That’s what makes the two of you stronger, learning how to find success together.