DRIVING HER CRAZY | FAMILY COUNSELING CENTER ASSOCIATION

My husband and I have been married for 8 of our 15 years together and recently, everything has spun so out of control that neither one of us knows each other anymore. The root of the problem is three years ago my husband cheated on me. I know I chose to stay in my marriage and move on with him, so I should deal with this hurt. But it has consumed me so much that I have panic attacks on a daily basis, thinking he is cheating on me again with people I know or people at his work. It’s driving me crazy. Every night it’s the same thing–he sleeps on the couch and I’m in the bed with our three kids because I don’t want to be alone. I love my husband, but I’ve truly come to hate myself for the emotional breakdowns I have on a daily basis.

Today I felt like I would rather be dead than to be without him. He told me he can’t deal with my jealousy issues anymore. I know I have serious issues and I’m to the point of not knowing what to do or who to turn to. I feel so much hate from him toward me. We don’t talk normally anymore. When he kisses me on rare occasions, it doesn’t seem real and when he tells me he loves me, it feels like just routine words. He swears he’s not cheating on me and I believe that, but then he flirts with people right in front of me and makes me feel like he’s trying to push my buttons. I again know I have to change, but he’s not willing to even try to change or–more importantly–be supportive of my emotional breakdowns. Instead, he just fuels the fire. I’m so lost and confused about what I need to do with my life. I don’t want to lose my husband or family, but I can’t shake my insecurities. Please help.—B

Dear B,

Of course, you can’t shake your insecurities in the marriage, your husband cheated on you. Jealousy in this situation is perfectly normal. He’s already proven himself to be unreliable in this department. Trusting him not to be unfaithful again without some sort of change in him and in the relationship, isn’t to be expected…except he seems to expect that.

For your own sake and that of your children, I urge you to find a supportive therapist. If money is an issue–and it is for most people these days–look for a therapist who works on a sliding scale.

You’re struggling with this still because we can’t just wish relationship issues away. Anytime infidelity rears it’s ugly head in a relationship, there were problems before the cheating and even more problems after. These need to be dealt with. Your having chosen to stay in the marriage doesn’t mean the pain of his betrayal should just disappear. Of course, you’re upset.

While you might have a hard time seeing yourself without him, remember that feelings aren’t the full reality and that this moment, this struggle won’t last forever. It just seems that way, but suicide is a permanent act. Don’t hurt yourself today over something that won’t be such a large issue next year.

Your kids still need you and love you.

The relationship has issues that have to be addressed if you’re going to stay married to the guy. Again, get a therapist. Being married–or committed to another person without legal ties–is one of the hardest things we do in this world. When things are really rough, you need a guide through the forest. Your husband may not be cheating on you now, but it’s very natural that you should doubt this and that you are very aware of everything he does and doesn’t do. Infidelity makes you hyper-conscious and worried.

Even though your husband did this bad thing and you’re struggling to forgive him, you need also to hear from him the problems that existed in the marriage before his infidelity. It’s very hard for the wronged spouse to get beyond the hurt to actually hear her mate’s complaints about her. After all, he’s the dog who went sniffing after someone else…. But if you want a chance at healing the relationship, you have to see what went wrong.

He’s the best person to do this with because he’s been on the front lines with you. You need to hear what he has to say. I cannot say enough that I know this is very hard. After all, you loved him and he betrayed you. Getting beyond your insecurities means getting beyond this blow to the relationship. Marriages can actually heal after infidelity, but you both have to get into the trenches and work on it.

Sleeping with your kids while he’s on the couch isn’t doing anyone any good. For one thing, you’ve drawn the kids into this. It’s impossible for children not to be effected by their parents’ relationship issues, but having them replace daddy in bed, isn’t helping.

I wrote a book entitled “Should I Leave Him?” addressing many of these issues and more. You definitely need to do something for yourself.

Get a counselor. Talk to a profession and listen. Your pain and anxiety is understandable and you deserve some support.

* * *

We are all foster kids in some ways.

When a child has lost even an unsatisfactory home and hearth, it’s natural that losing at all becomes an issue. Both my husband and I see foster kids in therapy and they almost always struggle to lose at games. But the desire to be winners, to jump on the winning side, can be seen throughout our culture.

When a sports team begins winning, more people become fans. I live near the home stadium of the Texas Rangers, who won the American League Championship and are now playing in the 2011 World Series. Suddenly, everyone is a fan. Everyone’s watching the games on television and wearing the Rangers’ logo. Even people who don’t normally have much interest in sports want to be identified with a winner.

Because we all have moment when we don’t feel like much of a winner.

Foster kids have a hard time accepting that their foster status is not their fault. It had nothing to do with them anymore than all of us local Texas fans had anything to do with the Rangers doing so well. Not our achievement, but we certainly want now to be associated with them.

We want to be winners. This is natural because we associate winning–at games or sports or whatever–with being a good and strong person. Being powerful. Who the heck doesn’t want to be powerful?