“I would like some advice on a situation that happened 20 years ago. When I first started dating my wife our children, my 10 year old daughter and her 12 year old son had some sexual acting out.
We immediately took action and sent the boy to a treatment center for a year. My daughter went through five years of counseling in her teens for other reasons but the acting out was discussed. It involved oral sex and my daughter tells me now it was aggressive behavour on my step sons part.
The problem is this, she is now going to have a child and does not want her step brother to be around the child. I feel like I am in the dark. I did not think two children acting out could be called sexual abuse but she is insistant that is what happened. That she is the victim and he the predator But her stance to split the family over it does not seem healthy.
I of course want to be sensitive to my daughter but I do not want to be subject to emotional black mail. If she is truly dealing with this, she should be healing and forgiving.
At the same time I am having a problem with the monster she is making her step brother into when they were both kids at the time and it seems different to me than an adult and a child.
Please advise me of how I should view the situation and what healing steps to take.”
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Dear Dad,
First off, I want to commend you for sending your step-son for treatment. This is a very difficult situation for everyone, but getting him help was smart.
Secondly, the state of Texas(where I’m located) considers it sexual abuse/assault when there was at least a two-year age difference between the victim and the perpetrator. According to the law, this wasn’t just “sexual acting out” between kids. Your daughter was a victim. Children are very aware of the power differential when someone is older they are. (This is why they lie to their parents, at times.) The difference in age meant that she felt less powerful than he and unable to stand up to him.
Irregardless, the issue here is one family member being uncomfortable around another.
You can’t just tell her to get over it. Healing isn’t necessarily visible on the outside. I think forgiveness is often mistaken for us acting as if the offense never happened. She doesn’t need to let the situation control the rest of her life. She may have decided to allow the laws of the land and the universe to deal with him. However, it’s possible to move on and not cling to the victim stance without welcoming the offender back into your life. Actually, it usually makes more sense.
I recommend that you not insist on seeing your daughter and grandchild when your stepson is there. Respect her experience and make other arrangements. This shouldn’t be a big deal. With family members being strung across the country and adult kids having multiple family obligations, parents often have multiple holiday celebrations.
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EXTRACT LEARNING
Bad things happen in every life. Sometimes we make the wrong choices and we live to regret these, but the important thing is to learn from every one of these bad situations. We can’t avoid slipping and falling. Sometimes we handle our parenting situations all wrong. We do something stupid at work. We really foul up our relationships.
Guilt and regret are the by-products of poor choices, but don’t let these feelings get in the way of your learning. It’s a sad fact that humans don’t generally learn by someone telling us stuff; we have to make the wrong choice before we understand that it’s the wrong choice.
When you do something stupid, there’s a lesson to be learned, something important to take from the situation. If you spend your energy on wishing you’d done something different (understandable, but not helpful) or hating whatever lousy thing occurred in your life, you miss the lesson that’s there for you. Every choice you make has consequences. Some of these consequences are wonderful and terrific. Some aren’t. Before you give yourself heck for the bad choices you’ve made, take some time to examine the moment.
What was going on with you at the time of your bad choice? If you respond that you’re just stupid or that you must have had your head up your posterier, then you’re still struggling to get to an objective point of reference on this thing. Everyone screws up. Repeat this, Everyone screws up! There’s no perfect life, no human being on this planet who hasn’t messed up. Doesn’t matter how smart you are, we all make bad choices.
Then try your best to look at what was happening to you when you messed up. Were you anxious, frustrated, unhappy with your job or your marriage, feeling like your actions didn’t matter, anyway? I’m not recommending you find excuses, but that you take into account the full picture. I’m not saying It’s okay that you did this bad thing because you were upset. We’ve already established that the choice had unfortunate consequences. Not okay! You don’t want this result again.
If you really want to move forward, to take all the learning you can get from the choices you’ve made. We are fortunately pretty good at generalizing learning, so we don’t have to make every bad choice in the universe. So, look at your experience and try to understand what was happening in your head. The more you understand, the more you can ensure that the bad thing won’t be chosen again.
Then forgive yourself. Again, not saying that it’s okay when the choice obviously wasn’t okay, but that you’re okay. Every one of us have difficult times, days when we feel crabby and unhappy, times when we’re not totally focused. Even those of us with big jobs, big responsibilities and big expectations.
Forgive yourself by understanding the experience you were having and the situations into which you put yourself. Learn what you need to learn, then give yourself a break.