FORGIVE, BUT FORGET?

The importance of forgiving your enemies is getting lots of attention these days, but it’s harder to forgive those who are not your enemies. Injury or betrayal by a loved one is much more painful. And what’s with the “forgetting” thing? Is it good to forget about an offense done to you? Do you have to “forget” in order to truly forgive?

From one perspective, it’s important to not forget the circumstances of an offense/injury. Understanding is way more important than forgetting.

I think the intent behind this “forgetting” thing is good. We’ve all done destructive, hurtful things and, if the injured party continually brings up our foolish behavior even after they say they’ve forgiven us, we don’t feel forgiven. Not really. I get that, but I still contend that you need to remember and fully understand the relationship history.

There are some who misunderstand the way forgiveness works. You can forgive in an “absentia” sort of. You know, forgive a random fool who injured you because you don’t want to drain your own life energy by hating him/her? Like when you’ve been the victim of a crime or a loved one has been snatched away by some horrible means? The problem comes when you forgive and forget in a relationship. This can unfortunately take place without either of you really understanding what the hell happened.

It’s no good to forgive if the same offense/situation will simply reoccur.

Forgiveness requires change and change requires both parties to understand what happened. This is most important in relationships. You can say you’re sorry–and you probably are–but if the relationship is to be different, you need to understand why you did whatever you did.

This kind of situation arises when one person in a relationship cheats–or leaves and returns. Often, they promise never to commit this breach again, but that kind of promise needs understanding behind it. If not, the one promising is just setting him/herself up for failure. And in a relationship, this kind of failure pierces every one’s heart.

The relationship needs to be different after the offense. It needs to work well for everyone so we don’t create opportunities for further offenses. Change can happen. People deal with all sorts of things in relationships and, if they really learn from whatever was going on, they can heal and move forward.

But forgetting isn’t usually a desirable goal.