It’s not at all uncommon for parents to talk with me about what they consider their parenting failures, moments when they’ve been bad parents. Don’t get me wrong here, some people really do make awful parents and some are actively harmful to their offspring. But these are the exception.
I’ve said it before–parenting is one of the hardest jobs on this planet. This is in the nature of the role. To start with, it’s a physically demanding, time-intensive job. You live with the child and the role all the time. Some fortunate individuals have mates who share in child rearing and they actually get moments away from being a parent. Others do it full-time and without resentment.
Some resentment, given the demanding aspects of this job, is very natural.
You start with a baby, generally, and you love it, care for it and watch out for any dangers that might threaten the child. As this individual grows, however, you deal with different stages. One might say, parent is a job that changes often. As kids’ needs evolve, so does the role. So one day, you’re very involved, working on homework and making sure chores are done and then, as your children enter the teen years, the homework is more and more their job. (You may still have to stay on them about the chores.)
Because of the intensive nature of the job and the fact that we’re all fallible human beings, sometimes we screw up. We yell at our kids or fail to follow through on a consequence or have moments when we feel we just can’t deal with whatever they’re up to.
It’s very important to give yourself a break and not to blame yourself for every bad behavior your child develops or think you can prevent them from having all bad experiences. You can’t. Life involves both good and bad experiences and, while you want to protect your children, you can’t always. Aside from the terrifying situations, such as kidnapping and assault(which sometimes happen no matter how vigilant you are), this world will present many situations which your children must deal with on their own. School testing, for instance.
Children also have minds of their own. You want this, really, but it can also be maddening and distressing. Kids get to make their own choices. You can’t be their for the play ground friend-making and you can’t force them to get good grades. Their independence comes early. Think of potty training or getting them to eat green vegetables when they were small. It’s very important for you to approach parenting with an awareness of and respect for your children’s ability to decide. You want determined kids, but they can’t always be steered in the best directions. Sometimes your children–as young kids or adults–make choices that scare and sadden you.
This is profoundly painful. You can’t fix it and yet you suffer. You have to let the kids work out their own challenges and the earlier you start this(while still keeping them safe), the better.
Even really good, really loving parents sometimes have kids who make bad, bad choices. As a society, we often blame parents for children’s choices and this isn’t fair. We need to get clear that parents are to judge themselves on their own behavior, not on their children’s choices. These are two different things.
And when you judge yourself on your actions, be kind.