GO AHEAD. BLAME ME.

Being a teen is tough.

Yes, parenting teens is really tough, but if your kid is a teen–particularly a late teen–think about what they’re facing. Most kids are sheltered and some are pampered. If the child is lucky and life is working out as it should, she’s been looked after and encouraged to prosper.

When children come into this world as tadpoles of human beings, unable to do the simplest tasks for themselves, parents, extended family members and caregivers fed and bathe them and make sure they’re comfortable. As they grew older, others ferried them to soccer practice and took them to the orthodontist. They needed this attention because they couldn’t take care of themselves.

Then they enter high school and adulthood begins to loom. This is both exciting and very scary. I see a number of teens with anxiety symptoms at this age and I get it–they’re almost adults, responsible for themselves. It’s very natural for teens to wonder if they can do it. If they can get into and get through school. If they can find a job that will sustain them and get them the goodies to which they’ve become accustomed.

Growing up is challenging and freeing, all at the same time. All while teens are pushing against boundaries and making scary decisions about relationships, deciding about safe sex and drinking and driving; they’re also freaked out by all the choices. They aren’t sure they can do all this grown up stuff. It doesn’t help matters that we, as their parents, are also freaked out. Scared out of our minds that they’ll do something–in the invincibility of youth–that will end or damage their lives.

Lots of fear.

When my daughters got to this point, their dad and I knew temptations were all around them, just as opportunities were. I also knew that their friends were very important and, potentially, the ones who’d join them or entice them into doing stupid things.

So, I told them to go ahead and blame me. If ever they were faced with a challenging, tempting, scary, unsafe thing–just tell their friends that their mom was a bitch and wouldn’t let them do whatever.

To some extent, this is also the therapist’s role. Whether we like it or not, people quote us and blame us and say we told them to leave their relationships or jobs. They had to do it because their therapist said so.

(Just between the two of us, I don’t ever tell clients what to do–about relationships, jobs, parenting or anything. I do, however, reflect back to them what I hear them telling me. If their in an abusive marriage or job and they tell me about being screamed at and hit, I’m gonna reflect this back to them. Sometimes hearing someone else say the facts sounds really different.) This is your life, I don’t get to live it. You’re in the best position to make your own choices.

I’ve said before that being a parent is one of the hardest roles a person can take on in this life. Sitting by and watching your kid’s choices can be very difficult. Whenever we love someone, we open our hearts to being effected by what they do.

But they need to jump out and make their own choices. We may want to put  pads down to cushion their falls, but when they’re teens, we can’t do this. We shouldn’t do this. Continuing to try and guide your child’s choices when he’s an adult gives the scary, disturbing message that you don’t think he can handle life himself.

This isn’t usually what we mean, at all. We’re just used to the active parenting role and we’re scared silly. But we have to let our children grow up. Just like letting them learn to walk(even though they got bruised when they fell), we have to let them prove to themselves that they can do this. They can handle their lives.

We stand by, believing in them, letting them blame us and we convey our caring to them. We try to be helpful without getting in the way.

This is love and sometimes it sucks.