Most people hate the crowds at the mall and for many hearing Christmas carols in October seems like a reason for whacking the first Santa-suited fool spotted. For some, however, the season brings more than the occasional small annoyance. Many people find the holidays to be a season to be survived like a bad dream on drugs.
Not a joyful time for all, this yearly insanity can underline the jarring difference between what your family relationships are supposed to be and what they really are. You may wish for relatives to spend happy times with around the fire and close friends who play silly board games together. Instead, many have relatives who get drunk and say rude things and people who are supposed to love us, but still get us gifts they know we’ll hate.
This is, unfortunately, not always a happy time of year. Expectations frequently clash with reality.
There’s a reason why we drink too much and spend too much around the holidays. Year after year, those of us who work in the helping professions see a pattern. People, who came to us earlier in the year in dire need of help with their relationships, suddenly don’t have time for therapy. They have too many things to do to get ready for the holidays. They’re going to be HAPPY, by God. Too often the calls we do get are from those individuals who are struggling to find a reason to keep living.
January is usually door-buster time in the therapy business.
At few other times in the year are the trimmings associated with happy, healthy relationships more celebrated. Most people do try. We spend money to upgrade our home décor–relatives and friends will be coming over! we say. Buy the new furniture! Carpet the house! We spend way too much money and charge too much on our credit cards for gifts for those individuals we want to feel loved, or those we want to love, but can’t quite get there. We eat too much, drink too much, and try to get too much done.
People work really hard to feel great at this time of year.
If you dread seeing your relatives, first, examine your own expectations and then look at how you’re responding to the expectations others have of you. You might actually be wrong about what they’re expecting. Checking out the reality of someone else’s thoughts and wishes is always a good idea. Ask them what they think the season should be like. If others do expect behavior from you that aren’t healthy or don’t fit what you’re really feeling, resist the urge to conform “just for the holidays.” The season is a lousy reason to force behavior you don’t want to do.
Don’t succumb to the fantasy that people you can’t stand the rest of the year will become lovable for these few weeks in December. Be reasonable in what you need to anticipate from others and what you can do yourself.
Many women’s magazines publish articles every year on how not to get overwhelmed by all the stuff you have to do. The food to be cooked, the gifts to be bought, the costumes to be made(or purchased) for whatever kid in whatever holiday program. Why at this time to celebrate peace and joy on earth–for many religions and the non-religious as well–do we dread the holidays? Why do we try so hard to be especially happy even when we’re not in the happiest of situations?
Maybe its time to accept the reality of your relationships and shoot for more reasonable expectations. Doing this takes some of the pressure off you and others. While it’s understandable to want to feel very loved and very loving, table decorations and the perfect cranberry sauce won’t do it. Relationships that are conflicted don’t magically get better at Christmas(despite what all the Christmas movies are selling). Don’t just scale back your excessive, emotional spending, work on looking objectively at yourself(hard to do!) and the people in your life. If you have a broken or bruised relationship that needs work, work on it. Don’t expect a Christmas miracle. Relationships are complicated, but they can definitely be fixed if both individuals involved are willing to put forth some effort.
Unhealthy interactions don’t heal magically over eggnog. Tinsel and just the right gift don’t really heal hurt feelings. Gifts can be fun, both getting and giving. Living in excess to try to make something better, however, isn’t good for your health, your budget or your heart. Step outside the myth we’ve created about the holidays. If it was bad before the holiday season and nothing is done beyond the gift and dinner trappings, its going to be bad after the holidays are over. That’s just a fact.
Tell yourself, you’re going to enjoy the quiet pleasures that can be found at this time of year and let go of the dread. Do the things you enjoy doing and let the rest go. If you like to decorate, do it for the fun you get out of it. Listen to Christmas carols, drive around looking at lights. Enjoy the the warmth of a religious service. Stop pressuring yourself to produce the perfect holiday. It just doesn’t work. If you’re angry, depressed and crabby, your loved ones won’t enjoy the perfect meal you baked or thank you for the perfect gift you found. And if you can’t afford it, giving the big ticket gift won’t yield you anything beyond a momentary pleasure and a painful credit card bill in January.
The holidays can be an enjoyable time to do different kinds of things than we normally do. Make this season an enjoyable time by facing it realistically and stop dreading what you feel you’re supposed to be doing.