Few people love doing without. We tend to crave comfort and all the accessories that come with that. You want all that and more for your kids. It’s natural to want to provide for your children. You love them. You want them not to feel embarrassed in front of their friends. You want to rescue them when they screw up because you want the best for them and because you hurt when they hurt. Sometimes you want to make sure your kids have what you didn’t have, whether that’s cool clothes or an intact family.
You want your kids to have everything. No speed bumps allowed. If there’s an obstacle in their way, you want to remove it. They seem so young, so weak and so unable to cope with life alone. They need you. Whether they have a teacher who’s out to get them or a friend who writes ugly things about them on the internet, you generally want to champion your kids in ways you weren’t championed. You want to smooth out the road, as much as you can.
Good intentions…bad result?
Maybe your kids would be better served by learning they can handle the rough spots. In their determination to do the best job, parents can sometimes overlook the opportunities difficult situations offer kids. Is an easy road the best one? Sometimes kids need assistance; sometimes they don’t.
Sadly, the news is full of young people who look like they had it all and subsequently made bad—sometimes illegal—choices. Can we say that all their parents were bad? Does the quality of parenting actually determine a child’s experience? If you agree with this, you’re saying individuals don’t really determine their own fate. Does having perfect parents make a perfect kid?
Life isn’t always fair. Admittedly, there are far few challenges for the kids born in the states than those born in Darfur. But if you believe individuals are in charge of their own actions, you have to refrain from dealing with your kids as if they are powerless.
Giving kids everything they want—everything you wanted when you were their age—can backfire in a big way. By giving your children everything, you may be robbing them of the hunger to achieve. When a too comfortable life—nice house, nice car, plenty of spending money, parents who rescue them from any tight spot—are offered to individuals who are able to take care of themselves, they tend to stop striving. They coast.
Maybe parents need to value the hunger.
Achievement isn’t fueled by excess or expectation. It’s fueled by hunger. By a determination that can’t be built without figuring how to handle small obstacles. Individuals who find healthy ways to cope with challenge are building a sense of self. I can deal with what comes. In order to reach this level of belief in oneself, individuals must find success. Their own success, not that which is handed to them.
If you want to ruin a child, give her everything she wants, immediately. Hand everything to her and rob her of her own opportunities for achievement. Parents want to argue that their children’s grades in school are an achievement, but if parents nag and nag a child to get those grades, how is that about the kid?
Maybe children need to fail sometimes to learn that failure feels yucky. Giving your child a safe world helps him to grow. Kids deserve life necessities. They don’t deserve, however, all the frills just handed to them. But parents must step-back as children grow older. They need less of your protection and insight as the develop more capacities to handle life. You don’t have to be harsh, just don’t rescue them without thinking long and hard about it.
You love you kids. You want them to succeed. If you give them everything and rob them of longing and personal achievement, you may still have a kid who finds a way to feel and be successful. Individuals do have a choice in how they deal with the world—parenting doesn’t determine how children will grow up. But parents have a tremendous power. You can help or hinder.
You are hugely significant to your children. Give them the most important thing—believe in them. Believe they can work through difficult situations. Offer help, but don’t take over. Kids need to sort through some challenges to be aware that they have the power to handle life.
You love your kids. Don’t give them everything.