IN-LAW DRAMA | FAMILY COUNSELING CENTER ASSOCIATION

“How do you deal with in-laws who don’t like you? My boyfriend ‘John’ and I have been together for 37 years on and off and have been living together for 20 years. I have done nothing to my in-laws in the past to make them dislike me. I am 11 years younger than my boyfriend and in the beginning he was nice enough to pay for several semesters of my college. They think I’m with him for his money, but he really doesn’t have much. I could work and easily support myself, but that doesn’t impress them.

John is diabetic and they say I don’t do enough for him…. He is also handicapped and I do try to assist him, but when I reach to him, they jump on me telling me that he can do it himself. When I don’t try to help him, they step in and help him themselves. Seems I can’t win.

His younger sister recently came for a visit from out-of-state. She would not stay at our house and she invited him out for lunch or dinner, telling him I was not invited.

I’ve had words with his brother and his other sister about his diabetes care. Although he blood sugar is still not where his doctors suggest, I have been doing all I can, making his meals sugar-free and keeping starches at a minimum. John says to ignore his family, that I can’t change how they are, but with his diabetes getting worse, I could use their help.

I feel shaky after we had words with his brother and sister. Earlier in the month, a friend of mine committed suicide and I was laid-off in August. My dog of fifteen years won’t be with us for much longer, either, and this family stuff adds to the problems. I feel sick all the time and I’ve lost my appetite.

John has been good to me, supporting me and even told his brother to leave our house when he insulted me. I think his mom liked me (but who knows what she said when not in my presence). We were all getting along pretty well before she passed away. Now it seems their attention has turned to my boyfriend, like they need to take care of him now that his mom is gone. It’s like I don’t exist. Please tell me how to cope.”–N.

Dear N,
My condolences on the loss of John’s mother and the death of your friend. John’s family is struggling and grieving and behaving really badly toward you. Even if they don’t like you much, John’s relationship choices are his own. After all this time, it’s not likely that they can make you go away. They need to butt out.

You’re right, you can’t win, so let it go. You can’t make people like you. You’ve tried with no luck.
If John’s diabetes gets worse, let him ask his siblings for assistance. This isn’t your job. Focus on living your life with John. His supporting you in the face of his siblings’ bad behavior is golden.

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Lots of people are anxious–about money, job loss, terrorist plots. Anxiety disorders are on the increase with as many as 40 million people reporting anxiety issues. These can be intense and debilitating and range from a generalized on-going fear of bad things happening to full blown panic attacks that send you to the emergency room, feeling like you’re having a heart attack.

There’s no question that our world faces many issues and that disasters, both natural and man-made, are disturbing our lives.

The real trouble comes in, however, when you face a “normal” day and yet nothing feels normal. You can have these fears and anxieties with no apparent threat and that’s even more surreal. Some people worry that they’re losing their minds or developing life-altering mental illnesses.

Before you decide that you’re going over the edge, though, you need to take a deep breath and consider a few things.

You are stronger than you feel. Don’t forget this. You’re capable, functional and intelligent. You don’t always feel this way, but you are more capable than you give yourself credit for. Even though you have moments of fear, you’re still you.

Anxiety is an emotion. You don’t want to disregard this sometimes paralyzing feeling, but you need to put it in context. This is a feeling like happiness, sadness and anger. All emotions. Feelings add color–dark and light–to life, but they aren’t the complete, total reality. Just a part of it.

Some people have anxiety because they’re afraid they can’t deal with life–they just don’t see their successes. The things they handle well. This is the largest percentage of anxiety sufferers. Those who don’t see their own strengths.

A smaller group have waves of anxiety when not attending to their emotional lives. Some just disregard the impactful events around them, telling themselves they ought not be upset. Let’s be clear–when your job is laying people off or your parents are struggling with health issues, it’s very natural to feel anxiety and fear. Sometimes anxiety is just your emotions knocking at the door, wanting to to acknowledge to yourself what you feel. Natural, normal feelings.

Either way, anxiety isn’t going to kill you. I don’t mean this to sound at all diminishing of your experience. The emotions are real and powerful. As a young adult, I had panic attacks myself. I know some of this terrain. I only say the emotion won’t kill you to encourage you to realize that you’re okay. You might not feel okay, but you are. You really are.

Whether you need to see your successes–to acknowledge to yourself that you’re capable–or if you need to recognize that you’re in a stressful, anxiety situation, you can handle this. It doesn’t have to control your life or stay with you forever.

Have some faith in yourself. You’re really an okay person.