IT’S NOT ABOUT HER….. | FAMILY COUNSELING CENTER ASSOCIATION

“I’ve been with this guy for twelve years. We have two kids together and one on the way. For the past two years, we’ve been having problems, mostly financial and dealing with me going to school. Once I got into school and started meeting people to study with or get help with my homework, he felt left out and he’s been seeing another woman. When I found out, I started hanging more with my guy friends. He was then mad and jealous and wanted us to work things out. His other woman, though, has never left the picture.

I feel like she’s doing this because she’s not used to being rejected. Both he and I have told her we’re going to work on us. I texted her, telling her she can’t call me, telling her I’m having his baby and, even lying and saying we’re getting married.

This man has never left the house and I know we were both wrong, but how can we get past all this and move on? Is it just lost and I should just walk away?

We still have the best time together. He’s with me every day. He cries and is hurt when I say maybe me and the kids should just disappear. He then goes into a depression, not talking and sleeping all day for two or three days. Now, the other woman is supposed to be having his baby. She doesn’t seem to care that he doesn’t love her. If he did, why is he here with me and not taking care of her? I don’t know if this is a game to her or what. I’m so mixed up and have so many emotions. I feel lost and helpless to figure out what’s right and wrong. Do I follow my heart or do I follow my mind? I know you have a lot to do, but I really need some advice.”–Lost in Love

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Dear Lost,

What’s your mind telling you? Do you think you ought to leave him, but you’re worried about what his depressed self will do? The problem here isn’t the other woman, it’s the relationship you have (or don’t have) with the father of your children. He may be hanging around you now, and having the best time with you, but not so long ago he was boinking and impregnating another woman. And he was doing this because he felt left out that you were going to school and spending time studying?

When he first stepped out on you, you went the tit for tat route and started hanging out with other guys. Very understandable, but it doesn’t solve any problems. You say that the other woman doesn’t handle rejection well, but I’m not clear on whether or not he’s actually told her to take a hike.

Maybe he hasn’t rejected her, at all. On top of that, she’s now supposed to be pregnant with his child. (That makes four kids. Someone needs to introduce this guy to a condom.) And he’s all depressed because he may lose the woman he cheated on? Never mind the other woman who’s also now pregnant with his child.

Also, why would you take this guy’s kids and disappear? This sounds a little like you’re threatening him. Both the kids and their dad deserve the opportunity to have a relationship, even if he is a cheating jerk. If the other woman is actually pregnant, her child deserves a relationship and financial support from his father (No wonder the guy is depressed.)

You and your boyfriend can’t just resume the relationship you had before he cheated. There were problems and these haven’t been addressed. No one cheats in a happy relationship. You may have affection for him still, but he’s got a mess to clean up before you can even think about putting things back together between the two of you. Healing after infidelity is possible, but only if you actually deal with the problems you had before he decided to have sex with the other woman.

Then, you have to decide if you want to stick with a guy who now has a responsibility for another woman’s child, as well as your three. If ever there was a time to use your brain, rather than your heart, this is it. You may love him and care for him, but that doesn’t fit with just ignoring the things he’s done or the issues between you. Love actually encourages the loved one to deal with their issues, not just hope they go away.

In my book, Should I Leave Him? specific suggestions are offered to help individuals deal with this kind of dilemma.

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If you’ve been the victim of sexual or physical abuse, the hardest and most important thing to do is to Forgive Yourself. Victims tend to be acutely conscious of what they’ve done to deserve their abuse. Those on the outside know that nothing you’ve ever done means you deserved this. Nothing. But this is very hard for victims to accept.

Young children naturally see the world from their own limited viewpoint and they think this must have happened to them because of something they did. Even young kids worry about having somehow been provocative. We all want power in own lives. This is natural, but sometimes random crap happens. Things you didn’t ask for.

Whether you were abused as a child or assaulted in a date rape, you didn’t deserve this. No matter what. No matter how sexy you dressed or acted, you still get to choose when you have sex and young children don’t have the emotional or mental capacity to make this choice. Forgiving yourself can be the hardest step in the recovery process.

You deserve better than this. Better than being assaulted, better than being abused. No matter how lame you might be or what mistakes you may have made, you didn’t deserve this.