I get why people don’t come into counseling when they first have trouble in a relationship. It’s weird to sit down and talk to a complete stranger about very personal things…besides, you hope it’ll just go away. Relationships are complex and vital and, outside of parenting, they’re the hardest thing we do in this world.
Clients often come see me when everything is going to hell–someone has used the “D” word, if they’re married, or someone has cheated. Conflict with the one you love can be gut-wrenching. But ignoring the conflicts until something–or someone–is on fire can mean that the relationship is over before you actually walk through my door.
When issues fester unresolved in relationships, people get tired and eventually decide to leave. Both or one of them may have been unhappy for a long time. The other partner can be completely oblivious to how unhappy. I get calls nearly every week from someone startled and torn up over a relationship that seems to be falling apart.
Many unhappy coupled individuals stay until they find someone else. Sometimes, infidelity takes place when one or both didn’t even consciously thing about how unhappy they were. I recently read the statistic that only 30% of relationships survive infidelity. This doesn’t mean you can’t survive it; only that doing so takes stamina and a willingness on both parties to look at the problems that were there before the cheating happened.
And, of course, the trust has been seriously damaged at that point.
Relationships are incredibly fulfilling–we keep getting connected to others–and incredibly difficult. At the most personal level, we are our worst selves. This is crazy because it seems logical that we’d be the best of ourselves with the ones we love most. But intimacy means being emotionally naked–that means the good parts and the not-so-good parts are visible.
We are most affected by the ones we love. When there is trouble with an emotional partner, we are deeply troubled. Don’t ignore this. Find a trained therapist you feel comfortable with and start working your way toward resolution.
The best relationships are based on both of you getting what you need.