LOVE, NOT INCLINATION | FAMILY COUNSELING CENTER ASSOCIATION

“I have been dating a guy for a year. My kids and I have been to every baseball game and basketball game to support his son. I have been to everything to support my friend. They have only been to one thing in support of my daughter. She has a pageant and my friend committed to be there 4 weeks ahead of time. Three days before the pageant, a baseball practice game is scheduled. He is the assistant coach and his son is a player. My daughter has talked about them being there for her. What should we do?”–Seeking Support

Dear Support,

You need a more accurate assessment of this relationship. Did you and your “friend” agree to support one another’s children in all their endeavors? I’m guessing he’s big-time into his son’s sports because he really enjoys sports. These clearly have priority for him. I think you need to understand that he may not view support the same way you do. He may have thought you came to all those games because you enjoy kids’ sports. I’m guessing he doesn’t have near the interest in pageants as he does in sports. You may think this is about supporting your daughter, but he probably doesn’t see it this way.

Re-think what you’re getting out of the relationship…and decide if you really want to go to the games. It looks like he’s doing what he wants. Maybe you should do the same and not count on him to support your daughter in her activities.

If you want a mutually-supportive relationship in which both your kids’ activities are treated as important, you might want to find another relationship.

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My daughter is in another city for a six-week training and she left her kitty with us. Out of my love for this cat, I put Soft Paws on her claws. These are plastic caps that glue to the kitty’s claws and render her unable to claw the furniture. (If she clawed the furniture, I’d love her less and yell at her more.) Declawing cats is a controversial way to handle clawing as it involves surgery to amputate the part of the paw that grows claws. I’ve done it both ways, but the Soft Paws have fewer complications for the cat.

More for me.

Envision this–I fill the pink plastic claw covers with glue. My husband deposits the cat into my lap and I wrap her in a beach towel. I’m just covering her front claws, not the back ones. I place a Soft Paw on each claw and hold her in the towel for five minutes while the glue sets. While I’m doing this, the cat isn’t happy. She tolerates the procedure for a few minutes, then she tries to bite the hands that are holding her. We’ve done this awhile, so the cat’s familiar with the process, even though she doesn’t like it.

As is only natural, she tries to bite me to get free. She’s actually not vicious in her biting, but I gently bop her on the nose when she does this, just to give her the message that I’m not for biting. When the five minutes is up, I let her go. We’re both relieved.

This is love. Love involves doing what is best for the loved one, which isn’t necessarily enjoyable for the one doing the loving. Anyone with kids knows this experience. Loving parents do what’s best for the child, even when they don’t like doing it. How many of you parents have held a thrashing child down while administering necessary, nasty medicine? I’ve done this. Out of love, we sometimes do things that don’t bring anyone pleasure. At least, not in the short-term.

With pets and children, we have to assume that as the adult, we know better. We’re the ones they rely on to feed them. We help clean up the messes. We make them follow-through when necessary.

This doesn’t make us popular, but we still need to do it. Love isn’t always about doing what feels good. Sometimes we follow-though because it’s best.