“I find myself in a rough situation. My husband and I are planning to tell my daughter that the father she has known all her life is not really her father.
Her real father had not been in the picture and really has not been a part of her life. However, just recently, I have spoken with her real dad and he wants to be part of her life.
Our problem is that we have no idea how to tell her. I don’t know what to expect. Especially, since right now she is going through puberty and is up and down with her moods. She is 9, going on 10. Can you give me some advice?”–Conflicted Parent
Dear Conflicted,
You have two issues to deal with. First, your daughter’s biological father flaked out on her once. He could do it again and leave her even more moody. Before you allow him to see her, you need to do your best to make sure he’s serious about assuming the responsibilities of parenthood (at last).
I’d give it some time. Tell him that you’re concerned about him being consistent in seeing your daughter (I’d phrase it like this. After all, she’s been your daughter, not so much his.) Have him call you every month or so to get an update on what’s going on in her life and how she’s doing. I’d also require him to attend at least two sessions with a therapist. Have him request proof from the therapist that he’s come and have him show you this. If he refuses to allow you to set the pace, he’s not demonstrating concern for this child he’s ignored so long. I’d let him go through the courts for visitation at that point…and I don’t generally think legal action is preferable for anyone.
Your second and bigger question is about how to tell your daughter the truth about her biology. I don’t ever recommend keeping this kind of fact from a child, even if you’re trying to cushion the harsh reality of her having a parent who just doesn’t care. With starting a new relationship, your husband was your go-to guy. It made sense then, but now you owe her the truth.
This is kind of revelation is always a shock. Don’t expect her to be happy with you.
I’d tell her with both you and your husband–her dad–present. Just be upfront. Tell her you’ve not been honest with her and that you were involved with another man before her dad, you were impregnated by him and the resulting child was her. I think you need to apologize to her for the deceit, adding that you only wanted the best and were trying to shelter her. If she wants to see her dad, tell her he hasn’t been stable before this and that you’re trying to make sure he’s safe for her to see. DON’T TELL HER HE’S NOW SAYING HE WANTS TO SEE HER.
Not yet.
It’s very easy for a kid to get swept up in the romanticism of the new parent. Don’t tell her about the possibility of seeing him until you’re sure he’s seriously changed.
She is at a time of big change in her life. I’d be slow to introduce a new parent. When you tell her about her biology, be sure to stress that your husband has been there, both for you and for her. He may have been a jerk sometimes (we all are), but he’s raised a child who isn’t his. Give him some credit.