It is very natural to want a relationship, someone to cherish and comfort you. Someone who loves you and is committed to being with you. Most human beings want just this.
Relationships, though, are challenging, frustrating and maddening. They are the hardest thing we do in this world. Even the most highly intelligent individuals with great and wonderful I.Q.s and very expensive educations struggle with how to have a happy, fulfilling relationship.
But even though marriage is hard, we keep trying. Some marriages fail. As legal and societal restrictions have fallen, divorce is now common. Close to half of all marriages end in divorce and individuals who have multiple marriages, have an even higher incidence of divorce. Folks don’t usually give up after just one or two, either. They keep trying. Few things are more attractive than a one-on-one commitment. Given the human desire to form connections, it is understandable that lots of people are racking up lots of marriages.
The real challenge is not to carry bad, dysfunctional habits and expectations from one marriage to another. Naturally, you have grievances with your spouse and you have a right to these. After all, your former mates were far from perfect. They had issues (as does your current spouse).
The hardest part of a hard challenge is looking at yourself. Your issues. Your stumbling blocks. You are, if you look at it, the common denominator in all your marriages. This doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that you should just accept that you’ll be alone for the rest of your life. The important thing to remember is that every relationship—and it’s failure—has lessons for you. Things you can learn about yourself.
It may be painful—and hard not to beat yourself up—but seeing your own bad habits can help you make different choices on the next go-around.
From personal habits to communication issues, you need to look at yourself and what you’ve contributed to your failed relationships. This is hard, but vital. Understanding your own challenges and addressing these improves your life and your future interactions with others. Whether you marry twice or a dozen times, you need to see what you’ve offered in the mix.
Remember, success in marriage isn’t based on just finding the right person. You have to be the right person, too.