One reader writes that she’s having trouble because she found out that her mom slept with her guy:
“I’m a 21 year old female. I haven’t had a very good relationship with my mother over the last year and I’m having a very hard time with that because we’ve been close all my life. The event that caused this situation is me finding out that my mother had sex with my child’s father before I got pregnant. I was never informed of this (although I have reasons to believe it’s true). He and I are not together since the birth of our child. I found out about this last year and I’m having a very hard time dealing with it. Is this an issue I could get help with? I don’t know what to do.”
I’ve got a lot of questions for this reader. Did you know before you got involved with this baby daddy that he’d dated your mother? Did your mother know that you later dated him, too? Were you both duped by a fickle guy? Or did your mom have sex with your high school sweetheart?
Given the fact that you’ve been estranged from mom–who you were previously close too–I’m gonna guess that you feel betrayed by her. This assumes that you’ve decided that the ex-boyfriend is a cheating ‘ho and his betrayal of you is more understandable/acceptable than hers.
Let’s just accept that you’re more effected by mom’s betrayal than by the former boyfriend’s because it’s clear that both of them were in on this. Neither one told you that they’d had sex previously and so both are guilty of deceit. But you clearly thought better of your mom. I’m curious if you’ve talked to her about all this. If she had sex with a guy she knew you were involved with or trying to get involved with, she betrayed you. No question.
I can only guess why and maybe that’s not your biggest concern. You mention that you can’t get over it and indicate that you want to. I’m sorry, but just shrugging your shoulders and telling yourself whatever isn’t going to do it. You trusted your mom and she turned on you. It’s not only unreasonable to not care about this, it’s unwise. If you have someone in your life that stabs you in the back by getting with your boyfriend, you need to know this. Even if it’s mom, who you’ve love since infancy.
Betrayal by a loved one is very hurtful, but it isn’t smart to just dismiss this. Forgiveness is a great concept to enable you to move on. Just don’t think you should adopt this method to wipe the slate clean between you and someone of former significance.
Forgiveness needs to be asked for before it can heal a relationship. It also has to be accompanied by appropriate groveling.
The other guy has to be really, really sorry and to see why she did what she did. You also need some certainty (usually gained over time) that the betraying infraction won’t happen again. Otherwise, forgiveness becomes a shrug. Whatever.
Mess with me. Lie to me. Screw me over. It doesn’t matter. I’m not going to hold it against you.
Isn’t behavior supposed to have consequences? How else do we learn what works and doesn’t work? So, even though you sound like you want to regain the closeness you have previously with mom, I’m not sure that’s in your best interest. All that being said, it doesn’t do you any good to brood over this. Accept it as it is and your mom for who she is. I’m not recommending forgetting, but dwelling on it doesn’t help you.
As for the baby daddy, he sounds like a dog and you’d be smart not to trust him farther than you can throw him. You’ve got a child now: Let’s assume it’s a girl. Would you want her treated like this? If your baby is a son, would you want him to do this to a girl he dates?
Life without a biological mom can be sad and painful, but this mom is bringing a whole new level of pain. You can do better without her.