These may not be unconnected. Except for the most disconnected individuals, sex is about intimacy. If you’ve got an established relationship, you can jump into sex directly and intimacy follows, but this isn’t typically how it works. Most of us need some level of emotional intimacy before things get physical. Even individuals who jump into sex with newly-met dates will usually talk about relationship assumptions they’ve jumped to. This isn’t true for everyone, but most people need to at least like their sex partners and need to feel cared for by them.
So what if you’re in a relationship and things have been strained awhile. It doesn’t occur to you to touch one another–maybe a standard peck on the cheek upon leaving. Maybe not even that. If the two of you aren’t exchanging some form of intimacy, there’s trouble in paradise.
Intimacy comes in many formats. Some people really need to be held. Some need a good date night. Some need enthusiastic sex. Most of us want some version of all three, but we usually have certain behaviors that indicate connection to us.
If your relationship doesn’t have much talking/touching/sex, you may be dealing with a widening gulf. This needs to get your attention, but don’t let yourself get too freaked out. Disconnection in a relationship doesn’t have to mean that the end is near. You need to get to work figuring out the problems, but struggling to feel close to a partner doesn necessarily mean that the relationship is over.
So, how do you fix disconnection in a relationship? It may seem counter-intuitive, but you have to deal with the conflicts and issues that sit between the two of you. Resolution isn’t as easy as just not talking about it. That usually means the problems have just gone underground. It’s important to note that conflict that sits in the dark, usually gains strength. You need to deal with it, the trouble spots or they’ll split the foundation of the relationship.
When issues are left unaddressed, they rot the relationship, leading to the disconnection and hurt feelings that leave you wide open to infidelity and breaches that don’t heal easily.
I’m not saying that resolution of relationship conflicts is easy. You’ve probably argued about these many times. You may have done the “agree to disagree” thing, hoping to stop fighting with the one you love. But this doesn’t settle matters.
The only way to address disconnection in a relationship is to learn to listen to your mate’s perspective–even when you disagree, even when her comments make your blood boil, even when she’s so, so wrong. Listen. Don’t try to straighten her out. Don’t defend yourself. Pretend you’re a court reporter and you have to get a complete transcript of what she’s saying–hear her. Then, repeat back to her what you hear. If she disagrees, saying you didn’t get what she meant, ask her to clarify.
When you can tell her what she’s said to you, take a deep breath and tell her how you see things.
It’s much more likely that you’ll be understood if you don’t swear at her or name-call. These can trigger defenses and make it very difficult to move forward. When you’ve finished talking about your point of view–don’t lecture or repeat this too much, just say it–you get to ask her what she heard you saying.
This may all seem very simple and even ridiculous, but it’s hard to do when you have matters unsettled between the two of you.
When the two of you aren’t touching, aren’t talking and aren’t having sex, there’s trouble between you. Take a good, hard look at it and you just may have a chance to fix the problem.