“When I was 18 my mother went to prison and I took custody of my younger sisters. I tried to show them the right way to live–working, doing the right thing, staying out of trouble and being contributing members of society. We lived together for 6 years. Eventually Mother got out and the girls went back with her. I maintained my life, remained in school, always worked 1 or 2 jobs and just try to live right.
In the 2000s, Mom went back to jail, but my sisters were old enough to live on their own. I’ve lived on my own since her first incarceration. My youngest sister stayed with me on and off, as she was expecting a child. My other sister, had social phobia. She never wanted to come out of the house, so she remained in the home my mother abandoned. It had no heat or lights. I eventually graduated from nursing school.
I’m now back in school for my BA. I’m trying to raise my 2 year-old child right, but my mom and sisters talk about me like a dog. They talk about my finances, what I spend my money on and other things. I feel they are all destructive and full of drama and negativity. If I could pack up and move to Timbucktoo, I would. My daughter really loves her Nana and I would never keep her away, but it seems like their animosity is centered around money. They must think I’m loaded, because they’re always counting my paycheck. I pay my mom $60-80 a week for watching my daughter for 40 hours, I know it may sound meager, but its all I can afford, as a single parent with no assistance. I just don’t know what makes me the bad guy.
Recently my baby had a doctors appointment. My mom knew about this and I expected she’d have my daughter ready. When I rushed home from work to take her to the doctor, she wasn’t dressed, her face was dirty, her hair messy. I didn’t express my complete disgust. In the past, I’ve talked with my mother about the lack of care she gives my daughter when she’s watching her. She lets her write on the walls, drink whole cases of juice and get into things a two year-old has no business doing. I get tired of reminding her, and I frankly don’t want to humiliate her by constantly scolding her. The day of the doctor appointment, I simply came in and said, “C’mon Mom. You couldn’t have her ready??”
She flew on the defensive, yelling “Oh my god!!” I yelled back, “No!, Oh my god!!” I’d had had it. I scooped the baby up, left Mom standing in the middle of my living room and rushed the baby to the doctor appointment, which I missed.
This incident got blown out of proportion as she called my grandma to complain about me, now my sisters are not speaking to me at all. After the doctor appointment incident, my middle sister came over to tell me my mother now plans to charge me $100 a week for watching my daughter and she wouldn’t watch her, at all, until I apologize.
My question to you is why am I the big bad wolf? Whenever I speak the truth, everybody gets mad at me. Nobody wants to talk to me and they sit around the campfire and stick pins in my doll, (figuratively). I just don’t know what to do anymore. If it were just me, I would do what I’ve done in the past and just stay away for a few months. But my mom has me by the balls with this demand for money and an apology. I have no other child care options, so that means I have to be around.
Please help me decide how to deal with these people.”~~
Rose in the concrete”
Dear Rose,
Find other day care. I know this is challenging, but things aren’t going to change with your mother. You are The Responsible One in your family and people usually resent those in that position. Even when they’re trying to borrow money. They feel small. They feel inferior and looked down on.
Be honest. You do think they could have made better choices.
You’re trying to rely on a mom who’s never been particularly reliable. Because of your complicated past, you’re better off not adding one more stressor to this mess. As to the apology, that’s your call. You clearly don’t think you have anything to apologize for, so I’m not sure why you would.