Yes, you may be doing this if you don’t allow your children to deal with some issues on their own. Most parents love their kids and lots of parents struggle to let their kids fail, but failure is important. How are kids supposed to learn they can make different choices if they don’t get the results of bad choices?
Holding kids too close leads to passivity or rebellion. Since kids are naturally rebellious at times, and childhood is a progression from passivity to activity, this consequence of over-parenting can be confusing. To sort it out, ask yourself these questions: Do you let your child handle teacher-related issues without taking over? Do you try to sort out your child’s friend problems? Is your kid at fault for nothing? (Warning bells should go off if you think your darling does no wrong.) These challenges get harder as children get older because we adults are actually handing over the reins. Lots of parents don’t want to do this before their kids are eighteen, but children need practice.
The only way to get ready to deal with adult issues is to deal with middle-school and teen issues.
Kids need to know you love them and back them up, but they need also to know they can handle difficulties. I’m all for standing up to bullies and parents being active in kids’ schools, but before you step in to rescue, you need to be very sure that your kids can’t handle the situation on their own.
I have two daughters of my own and my husband and I have been accused of holding them too close. (A boyfriend of one notably made this accusation.) I understand very well the desire to be there for your children, maybe more than your parents were there for you. The issue here is one of balance. Children with loving, involved parents are lucky, but that becomes limiting when parents overstep boundaries and fail to let their kids learn from life situations.
When kids are teens and adolescents, parents need to hold back to see if they can work out issues on their own. When kids are legal adults, parents need to step back even further. College kids may still living on your dollar and you get to decide how you spend your money, but it doesn’t give you the right to pick their friends or their careers. No matter whether you see trouble ahead or not, the kid still gets to decide. We humans learn from mistakes and most mistakes can be recovered from.
You get to express your concerns–about alcohol or drug use, about relationships that seem to be abusive or heading into really dark waters–but you don’t get to do this more than once. If you harp, they will stop listening completely.
Hold back. Bite your tongue and love them intensely. Don’t hesitate to be supportive of their good choices.
Father’s Day prompted me to count the times my husband and myself have moved our daughters since they went to college–8 times each. A whopping total of 16 moves, lengthened by the fact that both my kids decided to pursue careers that took them into post-graduate educational stuff. One daughter finished medical school and 1,500 miles away. We drove a tightly-packed moving truck from Texas to Brooklyn.
At times, we ask ourselves if we’re crazy, but we’ve also stepped back their bad relationships and foolhardy personal choices. Kids need us to steer them when they’re younger, but when they start moving toward adulthood, we have to trust in them. Even when they screw up; even when their choices are questionable. We have to have faith that they can figure out the best direction.
I understand loving them, I just don’t think anyone benefits from holding kids too close.