A reader says, “Our oldest daughter just turned 17 in October. She has a lot of typical teenage attitudes, but some of this is getting scary. She acts like the entire world owes her everything and she launches into her “Exorcist” mode if she doesn’t get whatever she wants. She yells, swears at us, screams at the top of her lungs, and then dares us to hit her. My husband and I are both from abusive homes. I can admit that we have sometimes under-disciplined in fear of over-doing it…. Last night, she got mad because I refused to buy her minutes for a cell phone one of her friends gave her…screaming and yelling….” This question goes on to ask what she can possibly do about an angry kid who follows her through the house berating her for not giving the kid what she wants.
You love your kids, but you may really not like them sometimes. This isn’t just you. Most parents don’t like their kids, at times.
Reader, you need to ask yourself what’s most distressing–your kid’s abusive behavior or her being angry with you. If you grew up in an abusive home, you probably have left-overs. You get upset when your kids are angry with you. You want everyone to love everyone and just get along. You don’t want to fight and I get that, but parenting involves letting your kids get mad at you. It doesn’t mean you have to let them abuse you, however.
Unless yelling and screaming are behaviors everyone in the house engages in, this kid’s actions are seriously out of line. As you found out, trying to avoid this kind of confrontation isn’t working.
So, here it is–and this is a bitter pill for a loving parent–you need to toughen up with this kid. She’s very close to legal adulthood (and has some adult rights, even now). Being on her own is a swiftly-coming reality. She’s growing up; it’s time for her to grow up. It doesn’t sound like she understands you will soon owe her nothing, not even the roof over her head, which is pretty much all you owe her now. You definitely don’t owe her minutes on her cell phone. My guess is that you’ve always tried to give her everything in your power. Loving parents often do this, but the gravy train has to stop.
Where was your husband when she was following you through the house yelling? He needs to jump into confrontations with you. This is when the two of you need to show a united front. Never should only one parent bear the brunt of this kind of crap, unless there’s only one parent in the home.
Start by not yelling at your daughter, even when she’s tauting you. This can be hard, but comfort yourself by the reminder that you’re stiffening your back bone with everything and you’re not going to put up with this crap. Don’t give her money, even an allowance, as long as she’s being a bee-otch with you. If you’re ugly to a boss, he’ll fire you, not give you a raise! Tell her you love her, but you’re not taking anymore ugly behavior. I’m guessing that you’ve allowed this before because kids usually keep on doing what has worked with their parents. You may have dismissed her mean, demanding behavior by saying she’s “just a child,” but this kind of stuff gets you no-where good in life–no job, no friends, no boyfriend. She may be just yelling at you now, but it’ll spread.
There are teenagers who slip into the dark side no matter what their parents do. Don’t tell yourself it’s all your fault. But do look at how you’re allowing your kids to run over you…even rewarding them for inappropriate behavior. This isn’t loving, even though you have this basic motive.
Stick with your guns and batten down the hatches(to mix a few metaphors). Don’t give in. Don’t ever give in, even if the kid’s being nice. Do what’s best for your child, even if that isn’t comfortable, even if they don’t like you much.
You deserve better and if you have to kick them out of the house when they’re eighteen (and being ugly to you), do it.
Never forget that you have options. You don’t have to tolerate abusive behavior from your kids and you don’t have to allow this mess to continue.