It is a sad fact that relationships end. Sometimes with no obvious warning and sometimes with lots of break-up/get-back-together phases. Losing an individual who’s been very important in your life can be tremendously painful.
If you’ve struggled through long, hard relationship battles, the end to it all can almost be a relief, but even then, individuals can have a difficult time with loss. The termination can seem so final (with the “we can be friends” issue often muddying the previous committed couple water).
Dissolving relationships hurts, even if the dissolving part has been happening awhile.
We’re all involved in heart-close interactions with other people and these require the participation of both parties. It’s like a handshake–both have to clasp one another. Parent-child, friends, lovers: all bear some of the same characteristics. In the nature of this is the reality that, while it takes two people to make a relationship, it only takes one person deciding to leave to break up a relationship.
For whatever reason, sometimes people just go away.
The one who clings to the relationship can make adjustments or urge the other to fight more for their connection, but when to leave or whether to leave is an incredibly personal decision. Everyone gets to decide for him or herself. This kind of experience in families, with children at the center of the decision, can be especially painful. Parents struggle with feeling they should stay together for the kids.
Sometimes, though, it’s the kids who urge them to separate. On the other hand, sometimes kids want their parents to stay together even if the family life is riddled with conflicts and strife.
K., a 14 year old girl, writes that her mom and dad are always fighting and have almost broken up several times. Each time the girl and her siblings begged them to stay together, despite her father’s “moments” of anger and lashing out.
The children in this family feel the need to keep mom and dad together, but this isn’t their job. Even though it’s very scary to think about parents splitting up, kids can’t be responsible for their parents’ relationships. They can end up taking sides–aligning with one or the other parent–and functioning as the adults, trying to be peacekeepers.
Not their job. If the parents split, they split, and the kids need to know they can create new lives. They can adjust to the reality of a divorced family. It takes time and parts of it are jarringly painful, but K and her siblings might be happier on the other side.
Human beings need connection. We need also to realize the fragility of this and the cooperativity of it. Sometimes, people who care for each other stick through rough times and come to a better understanding.
Sometimes, they don’t.
Hate this, if you want, but don’t be crippled by it. Don’t hesitate to risk connection. It’s vital to your well-being, even if you have pain in the process. Even if the one you love, leaves.