REASONS FOR STAYING IN A BAD MARRIAGE

Whether or not you leave a dysfunctional relationship is completely your decision. No one has the right to tell you what to do, no matter how close they are to you or what kind of degrees they have.

Not long ago, I was contacted by a man who was angry because his ex-girlfriend claimed that I’d told her to leave him. Not guilty here. It may have made him feel better to blame her therapist, but I don’t think what she does with her relationship is my call. I don’t give an opinion as to what any given person should or shouldn’t do with their relationship. I may reflect your opinion back to you–tell you what I hear you saying–but I don’t get a vote in your ultimate choice. Some people come to therapy, asking whether they should leave their relationships. Sorry, not my decision.

That said, let me tell you the reasons people cite for staying in a marriage that is distressing or unhappy for them–

1. Kids. Most often, parents who are considering separation or divorce tell me they don’t want to have their children grow up in a split family. Some couples argue horribly and, of course, this is damaging both to the individuals in the relationship and to their children. Professionals agree that listening to parental arguments or witnessing physical fights between parents is scary and abusive for kids.

Most parents in this kind of situation, however, insist that their children have no idea the relationship is unhappy. To support this, they say they never fight in front of the kids. While it’s good not to subject your children to the disharmony between you, children are rarely oblivious to your relationship conflicts. Sad to say, you’re just not that good at pretending, no matter how good you are at pretending. I’ve have middle-school-aged kids tell me they wished their parents would just divorce already. Kids are there all the time. They know the reality of your marriage.

2. Family. Some people dislike or barely tolerate their in-laws, but some love them. They even stay in relationships they don’t like because they do like their in-laws. If you’ve been part of the extended family for a number of years, you can be really attached to your mate’s parents. You may have had unhappy experiences with your own parents and you’ve taken your mate’s family as your own. Separation and divorce will change this relationship, to some degree. Even when everyone is trying to be civil, these ties will be strained.

When it comes to picking sides–and people usually feel they need to–your in-laws are going to pick their biological children. Expect this. There are some exceptions to this rule, but not many. (Smart grandparents, however, learn to be decent to the ex if they don’t want hard feelings to effect the kids.)

3. Lifestyle/Income. Don’t be too quick to judge yourself or others on this one. When you’ve become accustomed to the money you’ve had in the marriage, it can be really difficult to step down. You may have to live in a bad area if you leave. The car you’d be driving might be a clunker. You may not be able to give your kids everything you feel you should. It can sound shallow to let income determine whether you leave a relationship, but there are a web of complex issues involved in this kind of situation. Usually, you don’t hate your significant other. You don’t want him or her to suffer a crippling disease and die, even if things have gotten pretty tough.

You share friends and activities and cars. If you leave, your life may have to change quite a bit. This can make you wonder if the situation is so unlivable.

4. History. You may have years together and that shared history feels like an investment you don’t want to give up on. Even when the bulk of those years hasn’t been so hot, you still feel a connection. You’ve jointly graduated, moved, dealt with loss, welcomed children and built friendships–throwing all this away can be scary, even when it’s really bad between you. After all, you’ve dealt with the problems a long time.

This is a powerful thing–shared history. Think of the people from high school or college that you’ve friended on FaceBook, even though you didn’t like them much or hang out with them when you were younger. Having a past together makes some people feel bonded. You can forget that the history wasn’t good. Some people even continue to hang out with friends who stole boyfriends or girlfriends from them.

5. Fear. Being alone scares the crap out of a lot of people. Even really attractive people struggle with anxiety that they won’t find anyone else if they leave a bad relationship. This is such a strong issue for many that they stay where they aren’t happy or connect up with random people to keep from being alone. Some split up and go out searching for a new mate the next weekend.

Don’t judge yourself for this fear. Many share it. There’s something about silent homes and not having a significant person on speed dial that freaks many out. We are by nature social creatures, preferring to connect than to live alone. True, if your relationship has been really bad, you may dream of being alone, but alone isn’t what most want long term. 

6. You Don’t Want To Be The One Who Quit. This can feel a little like a stand-off with individuals trying to wait it out and make the other one leave first. They don’t want the stigma they think comes with breaking things off. I’ve had people tell me that their mates are being specifically difficult just to get them to leave first. Its like playing chicken. This almost comes down to who “wins” and who “loses”. When I ask who will care about this, individuals tend to be vague, citing “friends” or children. Mostly, it seems individuals themselves are the biggest judge of whether they did “everything they could” to make the relationship work.

In this era of multiple relationships and marriages, this seems particularly ironic, as if there is a cosmic score card here.

Why you stay or whether you stay is no body’s business, but your own. However, you deserve a relationship that is healthy and happy. Enduring a bad marriage doesn’t make sense. Focus your energies on fixing the problems–and you have half of the input here.

Change your part. Then you can decide whether it’s better for you to leave or to stay.