Aside from the make-up sex, arguing with your mate really sucks. The sad part is that the fighting doesn’t usually get anywhere. Most people don’t know how to argue effectively. Conflict can work for you. You just need to know how to do it. Resolving conflict can empower a relationship. Just think about your favorite movie—the hero and heroine face a huge problem and, after a major battle, they win.
Conflict can make you feel strong, if you work your way through it. Try this…
Don’t Name-Call
You might think you have to call him names to get his friggin’ attention, but this is a really bad idea. It makes for a vicious fighting experience that wears away your affection for one another over time. Don’t call names. There are better ways to get your loved one to see that you’re seriously upset.
Listen to Your Mate
Listening is really hard—particularly when you don’t feel listened to yourself. Most people will say they’re listening, but the person they’re arguing with doesn’t feel heard. Important—Listening doesn’t mean you agree with everything she’s saying.
You still need to hear her.
Individuals tend to hear what they think the other person is saying and then they try to explain why they did (or didn’t do) whatever. Explaining doesn’t work if the other person doesn’t feel you’ve listened to him.
You need to listen—sit quietly and concentrate on what the other person is saying to you—even if you disagree. Don’t interrupt. Don’t explain. Take mental notes like you’re going to be tested on this information. You’re listening to her perspective, her view on the situation.
Tell Him How You Feel
When your significant other has said all he wants to say, it’s your turn. Not your turn to say what you think(not yet). Instead, you need to repeat back to him what you heard him say. “So, you felt ignored when I didn’t call you. It seemed like you weren’t all that important”—or whatever.
This may not have been at all what you meant.
Still, repeat it back to him so he knows you’ve heard him and what he’s feeling. Repeat back what you’ve heard him say. If you heard wrong, he’ll tell you. That’s okayGive it another go. Listen even harder, then tell him what you’ve heard.
After all this—after you’ve heard how she thinks things are and listened to her feelings—then you tell her how you see the situation. Don’t use blaming language. Start your sentences with “I feel….” Don’t tell her what you think she ought to do or how she ought to see it differently or why she’s so messed up.
Tell her how you feel.
By this point, the two of you are talking and caring about each other and communicating. Resolving problems gets a lot easier when you can hear each other. If you’ve not gotten to a point of being able to communicate about the issue, you’ve probably not been successful with the first few steps.
Try again. Arguing sucks, but working things out feels great.