SEEING PAST THIS MOMENT | FAMILY COUNSELING CENTER ASSOCIATION

“I just feel that my marriage is a big mistake and a failure after 22 years of marriage and having 5 children. I need your help on how to make corrective decisions to plan my life forward.

My wife and I are Muslim, living in Saudi Arabia. I am 45 years old and have a Ph.D. in Electrical Engineering. My wife is 41 years old with a high school diploma and a 1-year diploma in Computer Science. I work as a college professor besides having part-time company work and my income is above average. I spend my time between work and home. I have meals with my family everyday and help my children with their homework. My wife is a housewife. She spends most of the time at home and she has almost no friends to visit.

My problem is that my wife has never felt compatible with me or my family(parents and relatives). She doesn’t trust me. She thinks that I will run after another woman. She is suspicious of my telephone calls and my work meetings. She doesn’t like my being alone on the net or on a business trip, although I never have done any cheating(nonetheless, she knows that my religious tendency). Whenever we go out together, she keeps observing me. She is not happy with our life and she keeps complaining all the time about everything. She is not compatible with my thinking as she has no plans or dreams or hopes. She just thinks what to cook and what to dress!

This has been running for 22 years and it’s a nightmare for me. I tried to compromise and avoid trouble to save my family. Several times, conflicts escalated to discuss divorce, but whenever we reach that point, she regrets it and is sorry, asking for pardon. But, I know that she is not convinced or satisfied. That’s why she returns to her behavior after a couple of weeks.

I believe that I made a mistake to marry her from the beginning. I asked her to go to a psychiatrist or a family counselor to present our case to him, but she refuses, assuming that if she does so, then she is psychologically sick. Our life is going up and down and we never live one week peacefully.”–Distressed Husband

Dear Husband,

I’ll bet this is a nightmare for her, too. You have a history with your wife–not to mention the five kids–and this is both good and bad. You say you’ve asked her to go to a counselor. Why not go yourself first? You’re unhappy in this marriage and that’s never good, but you might benefit from looking at what you’re contributing. I’m NOT saying this is all your fault. I’m just pointing out that it’s not all her fault, either. The two of you need to learn to work through your issues.

You have a great disparity in education and in income-producing potential. This typically adds stress to a relationship. You mention that her life is mostly in your home, but some of this is attributable to things beyond her–the culture you live in doesn’t encourage women to think beyond their homes and children. You mention that she has no hopes and dreams, but she’s caring for a large family and this takes up a lot of energy.

You’re right that it would be good for her to have friends. That eases much difficulty in life.

Whether or not you decide to get a divorce, you need to learn everything from this marriage that you can. You’ll be a better partner for her–or someone else–if you learn to talk about your issues, not avoid them and just hope things get better. Learning to listen to her is very important. She has experiences and emotions that deserves to be listened to by you. Her jealousy and questioning you could easily have grown from the distance between you. She feels the estrangement as much as you do. She probably also is very aware of your growing disinterest in her. Since you and the kids are all she has going, she’s even more threatened.

You can certainly leave your marriage. You know that this is an option, but leaving isn’t typically a good option until you’ve gotten some professional help and taken every lesson from the relationship that you can.

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Seeing Past This Moment

Whether you’re anxious or depressed, unhappy in your relationship or grieving the loss of a loved one, you need to remember that this won’t be your experience forever. Getting help from a therapist can help you learn how to get beyond your anxiety and depression. Don’t think these are necessarily life-long issues. While you may have felt this way a long time and you have a hard time seeing your way out of this current distress, believing in a better experience is vital.

Grief can be consuming. The loved one is gone and will not return, but the wrenching emotions can shift into a more gentle loss. Learning how to grieve is important. You need to identify self-blame and check out the validity of this in the cold light of a rational viewpoint. A therapist can help with this. Relationship loss can lead to grief, as well. You need to both learn from this–no big endeavor doesn’t involve some failure–and you need to forgive yourself.

Medication can be helpful in the short term. Never be ashamed of getting a script to help you while you’re struggling. But learn how to fix the problem. Anxiety and depression can both be helped by a good therapist. You don’t have to struggle with this the rest of your life.

You deserve better. You deserve a better future.