SETTLING: Better Than Nothing? | FAMILY COUNSELING CENTER ASSOCIATION

Before I get to the subject of this column, I want to respond to several emails from readers that who actually asked for advice:

“They Won’t Let Me Drive” writes that he’s a 22 year old and his parents, with whom he still lives, insist he take “their test” before they allow him to get his driver’s license. “…I’m going to school and working…purchased my own car two years ago…have insurance on the car…,” but his parents still insist he pass their driving test. He’s started this several times, but when they think he’s made a mistake he must start all over. They Won’t Let Me Drive asks that I talk with or email his parents and “put some sense” in their heads.

Since you wrote me–not your parents–my response is directed to you. Why are you–an adult–allowing them to decide when you get your drivers license? You’ve bought a car, insured it and are able to pay for the gas. Get your license and use the car, for heaven’s sake. Trust me, the Driver’s License Bureau doesn’t require 22 year olds to have a permission note from their parents.

You might still rely on their financial support and, if so, this is probably a complex way for them to maintain a hold on you. You need to consider living on your own dime.

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To “I Don’t Get Love in Return” who’s been in an abusive relationship and who’s current husband cheated on her, I’d recommend taking a serious look at how you pick your mate. She says, “…I feel I give a lot of myself and I’m a giving and loving person. I’m always there for everyone I love and care about, but…” that’s not what she gets in return.

Sadly, relationships don’t come with guarantees. I wish they did, but I think you might benefit from looking at how you pick the guys you’re with. It pays to use your head in choosing a partner, not just your heart(or your lust). When making relationship choices, look at what the person does, not just what he says. Actions speak way louder than words. Some guys are great at whispering sweet words, but not so good at acting in a loving manner.

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Now, let’s talk about Settling. It may seem better than being alone or better than a string of high-passion, big-disappointment relationships, but you need to look carefully when making relationship decisions. In the search for love-true-love, you’re wise to give up fantasy. No one is perfect. Not you. Not me. The best anyone can do is to try hard to work on themselves and to learn.

That being true, you need to recognize that relationships aren’t safety vaults, either. You can’t find a person with whom your guaranteed a no-risk life. Love means putting your heart on the line. If you deliberately get into a relationship with someone who you only feel okay about, you’re guaranteed not safety, but stagnation. You’ll probably end up going your separate ways, too, because you won’t meet his needs, either.

It’s always wise to pick a mate with demonstrated values close to your own, but who has a very different personality than you. Think about this like finding a mate who’s on the other end of the teeter totter. Find someone you really, really enjoy and who challenges you, as well as, compliments you. You’re looking for balance, not a lack of conflict.

Conflict feels bad, but when worked through successfully, it empowers you. You feel strong and it knits relationships together.