For a long time I’ve been talking about the importance of listening to your partner. The urge is to explain your position and most people do this over and over because they don’t feel heard by the other person. On the other hand, your mate isn’t feeling heard either. So both of you keep repeating yourselves and no one is really focused on listening.
Everyone assures me they are listening to their partners, though. Really.
I certainly don’t want to deny this. The problem, however, is that she often doesn’t feel heard. You may be repeating yourself again and again–possibly even raising your voice because louder seems to be better at that moment. But if you’re not conveying to her that you hear and understand what she’s saying to you, it doesn’t matter what you say in return.
So, maybe you are listening. Maybe you’re trying very hard to understand him. Maybe you do understand, but you also want to be understood yourself. This is reasonable. Relationships can only flourish when both partners function to value the other, as well as, themselves.
The trick is to respond to your partner in a manner that conveys you are actually listening. If you want to be heard, make sure she knows you’re listening to her. Repeat back to her what you’ve heard her tell you. You’ll be wrong–you won’t have heard whatever she said exactly the way she meant it. This is very common. Ask her to tell you again, and really work at listening to what she’s saying until you can repeat it back to her satisfaction.
This is a terribly important part of communication. Sometimes couples come to my office with communication issues, but as they talk it comes out that they’re actually in agreement on the issues. Seriously. You may be agreeing in actual fact, but getting distressed because you don’t believe your partner is hearing your side of things.
So. repeat it back. Get his confirmation that this is what he’s telling you. It’ll make a big difference.