SHE WANTS KIDS NOW; HE’S NERVOUS | FAMILY COUNSELING CENTER ASSOCIATION

I have loved my fiancee for a long time. I’m simply not willing to let go and walk away. We get along great at times and she really is my best friend. We both want to get married and start a family as soon as possible, but she doesn’t think that I share those desires with her. She feels like I’m just putting it off as long as I can, trying to make up my mind. She has some health issues and we also had a miscarriage, as well. She is 35 years old (I’m 30) and she knows all about the statistics on how she could have complications the longer she waits to have children. I understand and fear the same complications, but more than the fear of this, I worry about getting married, having a baby or two and the marriage falling apart. If we divorced, we’d cause our child to be raised in a broken home. This is so freaking scary that I simply can’t give in and say okay, let’s get the show on the road.

My number 1 reason for dragging my heels is I want to start a marriage with joy and peace, not anger and strife. I want to at least give counseling a try and see where that gets us. Maybe it works; maybe it doesn’t. This is a huge argument for us. She is ready and wants kids NOW! She says she is happy enough with our life and relationship and feels like there is no need for counseling. She is extremely smart and I understand she doesn’t want to feel there is anything in this world that she cannot figure out and fix on her own. I feel the same way, but I know that something has to change or our marriage will not last. I will my put myself, her or our potential children through that. I grew up in a house where there was a lot of anger and fighting. She thinks I want counseling because I want someone to tell me yes or no, that I either should or shouldn’t marry her. That’s not what I want at all. I just want to learn how to argue without fighting and how to disagree without making bothy of our lives miserable. There are happy couples all over the world and I want to be one of them. I’m not saying she doesn’t make me happy. She makes me happier than anyone ever has in my life! I have never had someone who is so willing to do any and everything to help me.–Help!!

Dear Help!!

She’s certainly not willing to help you in this. Going to a therapist is very uncomfortable for some people, but they need to accept that there are some things you need help with. She wouldn’t try to fix her own broken bone, she’d go to a specialist in this. Therapists who work with couples specialize in helping you know how to argue without fighting and to know how to best love one another.

If one half of a couple wants counseling, the other half better be listening. I’m surprised when one part of a couple thinks he or she can just decide that counseling isn’t necessary. Couple decisions are joint decisions and both better be listening to each other or there will definitely be trouble ahead. A truly skilled counselor won’t tell you whether or not to do anything, certainly not whether or not to get married. Counselors know that you are the one to best make your life decisions.

Her feeling of urgency is valid. The later pregnancy is put off, the more likelihood of problems. But it sounds as if you already have issues in the relationship that could lead–if not addressed–to a split later down the line. There’s no such thing as happy enough. Either you are or you aren’t. If the relationship worked, you wouldn’t be at this stand-off. This isn’t to say the problems are huge or unworkable, however. You can learn to listen to one another and to say what you need. A really good therapist wants to help you learn how to work through the issues. She wants you not to need her forever.

Good therapists are always trying to work their way out of a job. Go for counseling yourself, if she won’t go with you.

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Loving another person isn’t the strongest reason to act in their best interests–it’s really about loving yourself.

We’re often very confused about love. The term is thrown around very loosely. We love sandwiches, high heels, our dogs and our children, but these aren’t all the same. There are love songs and movies about love, but when it comes right down to it–love is about doing what’s best for the other person. Period.

The interesting, complicated part of all this, though, is that what’s good for one person can’t be bad for another person. We’re all interwoven. I can’t act in a way that will hurt those I love and not be hurt myself.

While that may seem obvious, think about all the individuals who are cheating in their relationships, claiming they love two people at the same time? Do both of those people agree? Do they feel loved in the situation? Love is both a powerful emotion and certain behaviors–which aren’t always the same. When our feelings conflict with what we believe we need to do, we need to look at the choices–the actions–more closely.

This opens up a discussion of what’s best for them and you. This isn’t clear sometimes and it can take a good, long look and sometimes you need consultation with an objective third party.