It’s sad, but the only way we learn is to get the consequences of our choices. Some of these, though, are big and scary. You certainly don’t want your children getting the natural consequences of running out into the street. Much of parenting is blocking the big consequences until the kid can learn to safe-guard himself. Knowing which consequences to block and which to let your kids have, though, is complicated.
Choice–consequence. Action–reaction. This is what activates the learning experience. Short-term consequences are adults’ artificial ways to help kids make better choices. If a kid is making poor social choices, you want him to learn to be a better friend because in the long-run creating friendships will benefit his life. We’d rather have short-term, artificial consequences than allow children long-term, possibly irreversible consequences. The more clear and natural the link between the behavior and the consequence, the better. Whether you choose to use Time Outs or Grounding the kid from his favorite toy, the closer you can make the consequence to the behavior the more effective these will be.
Sadly, kids tend to think they’re punished not because they’ve made a bad choice, but because you’re angry. Not the point.
A very natural tendency is to shelter your child from all the harsh winds of life. You may have wished your parents would do that with you or they might have taken a few bullets for you and you want to be the same kind of parent.
It’s important that, as your kids get older, however, that you don’t interfere in their learning moments. This needs to start earlier than you may think. Take the lessons learned in school…the really important ones don’t involved multiplication tables or grammer. Your child needs to start learning the vital lesson of personal responsibility. If he doesn’t get that what he does can yield him either good or bad things, he won’t experience his own power. He doesn’t get to choose everything in life, but he gets to choose much of his own experience.
Responsibility and power are completely linked. Your child needs to learn how this works and he’ll learn much more effectively through experience. Parents want to tell their kids these things, but kids have to experience life. Half the time, they don’t listen well. They only hear you saying blah, blah, blah, rather than comprehending and using the pearls of wisdom you’re trying to impart.
As a parent, you have the unenviable job of deciding when to step in and when to stay out.
A rule of thumb here is that, as the child grows older, intervene in his consequences less often. So, when he’s in high school and comes up with a dirty urine test, indicating that he’s dabbling in drugs, this isn’t the time for you to charge up to the school and yell at them for being hard on him. When he’s six and has drawn “creative” pictures on the chalkboard, though, it might be a good idea for you to talk with his teacher about what’s going on with him.
When he’s younger, it’s appropriate for his parent to get more involved. When he’s an adult, you need to step way back. You still love him, no matter how old he gets, but your parenting needs to change at that point.
Parenting is one of the hardest things we do on this Earth. Giving your kid the consequences he chooses, though, is all about love.