“I found an open email layed flat on my mother’s desk. I thought I was superclose with my brother and sisters….until…I read [her] private email and I found myself in total shock as to how they gossiped badly about me, my married life and how I raise my children. They passed judgement. I went on reading everything entirely and they criticized me terribly. I was royally hurt. My own brother labeled me a schizophrenic.
Do you thing this is a sign of hatred towards me? Why on earth would a family member do such a thing? I don’t talk negatively about them.
My husband doesn’t want me to reconcile with anyone in my family. I am at a loss. I’m worried that if my husband runs into my brother in public, there will be an ugly fight. My husband is ready to punch him in the face. He is the strong one and he’s always reminding me to ignore them.
Do you feel strongly that my siblings were wrong to do that behind our backs?”–Upset and Wondering About Family Counseling
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Dear Upset,
Yes, they were wrong to email their opinions around to other family members…and yes, you were wrong to read your mother’s private email, even though it was lying on her desk in her bedroom.
We all have private opinions of our siblings’ mates and if we’re smart we’ll keep our mouths shut about this. Even when the sibling in question asks your opinion, be very hesitant to give it. This is a very personal matter and one that’s got hard feelings written all over it.
If you’d never read that email–snooping where you didn’t belong–you’d have no idea that your brother and sisters felt this way and you’d go along living your life. Your relationship with your husband is your business, just like their marriages are their business. None of us get to vote on how others should live their lives or who they choose to be with.
Now that the situation’s been split open by the email being left out and by your reading it, you have to decide what to do with your family interaction. You’re understandably upset right now and your husband feels horribly mistreated, but you need to decide whether you want to be a voluntary orphan from now on. Are you ready to never speak to these people again? Even if some one’s having a baby or lying in a hospital bed dying?
Most people have a hard time disconnecting completely even from family members who’ve been directly abusive. Your family’s actions were ill-judged and indiscreet, but not really abusive. Still, it’s hard to undo this kind of mess.
If you decide you still want them in your life in some capacity, you have to accept that they’ll have private opinions about your relationship, your children and your hairstyle. As long as these are kept private, why should they trouble you? You’ve had moments, too, when you didn’t see why they made the choices they’ve made.
Healing the breach or not is your call. I’m guessing although your husband was offended by what you read in the email, he’ll probably be okay if you’re okay. He’ll probably go along with whatever you decide.
I recommend that if you try counseling or other means to put your family back together, you don’t address specifically what you read in the email. While you may want to defend yourself against these accusations, it’s pointless and a waste of time. Once again, everyone has their opinions.
Trust me, trying to talk about this won’t go well.
Getting on with being a family will require you all to decide that you’re important to one another…then agree to disagree. Agree also never to discuss any of these very personal matters. Everyone raises their kids the way they think best. Unless Child Protective Services needs to get involved, keep quiet about your opinions. This goes for marriages, too. Although some struggle with this, biological ties don’t give the right to tell you what to do. Or you to tell them, either.
Although it’ll probably go against your wounded grain to admit this, you were wrong to read the email. Your mom was wrong to invite you into her bedroom where the poisonous email lie open on her desk and your siblings were wrong to have sent it in the first place.
Everyone has at least a small portion of responsibility for the mess. You can walk away from the family with which you felt “superclose” before this or you can move forward, remembering that even those you love and who love you, aren’t perfect.
* * *
It always gives me a pain when people grieve relatives who’ve died, but who they couldn’t live peaceably with in this world.
While having relationships is the hardest thing we do, they’re also the most potentially rewarding challenge you’ll ever face. This doesn’t mean that some relationships don’t need to end. Some really do. If you weigh the good versus the bad–honestly–and you come to the realization that the relationship in question is costing you more than it brings you, then definitely end it. Just walk away.
Sadness typically comes with this decision. Not grieving the relationship the way it was, but the way it could have been, the way you wished it was.
But when a relationship falls into the gray area and you’re just accustomed to the way it’s been, you might want to give some consideration to where it fits in your life. Think hard about who is really important to you. Who you’d miss terribly if they were no longer in this world. Even siblings with whom you’ve always squabbled or parents who you’ve taken for granted may be missed horribly when they’re gone.
We need to behave now as if we value the relationships we do actually value. It can be habit not to ever talk about love or friendship. We sometimes avoid awkward moments, times when we feel foolish or silly saying sappy things, but don’t wait until the ones we care about are dead. Don’t let yourself think vaguely that they’ll always be here. Funerals are a lousy time to realize how much the deceased meant to you.