Love may make the world go around and a life lived without love may not be much of a life, but let’s face it–love can be a bitch. This applies whether we’re talking about your mate or your kids. Love can hurt really bad. You may have a relationship that works well and it may have worked well for a while, but don’t claim that there haven’t been some rough times along the way.
The truth is that loving someone is like giving him a key to your heart. Whatever that person does or doesn’t do, says or doesn’t say, matters like the dickens. Husband, wife, teenager, mate or best friend–it doesn’t matter–love involves vulnerability. While you may openly scoff and claim immunity, if you love the other person, he has the power to impact you. The key to your heart. You may, at times, want to call the locksmith, because sometimes the one you love is downright stupid (particularly if he is a teenager). Sometimes intentionally hurtful. Usually, loved ones are unintentionally hurtful.
If whatever he’s doing isn’t good for him or isn’t nurturing your relationship with him, you struggle.
The biggest challenge lies in the nature of loving relationships. While most people acknowledge that love makes you vulnerable, they still want to hold on to the belief that love also gives them a “right” to control or direct the loved one’s behavior. It doesn’t. There isn’t any room for control in loving relationships. If this were so, then we’d have to throw “free will” out the window and none of us would be in charge of our own lives. Just think about it, people who’ve loved you have probably had pretty strong opinions about the way you should live your life. Have you always agreed with these?
So, you love someone, you’re affected by his behavior. If he decides not to love you, you hurt. If he takes up a dangerous sport that may lead to his death, you fear. If he gets addicted to a drug and suffers the physical and/or legal consequences, you hurt.
Vulnerability with little control.
Of course, if this same loved one makes a perfect score on the SAT and gets into Harvard, you’re thrilled. That’s the thing about love, it means that whatever happens to, or is chosen by, the loved one, you’re impacted. You don’t, however, get to control what the ones you love do.
They may choose really hurtful, non-productive relationships. You love them, so you get to watch. They may throw away chance after chance in life. You hurt because they’re hurting themselves. Love equals vulnerability with limited control. You have some control–to some degree, you chose those who you remain in relationship with. Those to whom you’re vulnerable. Love that is too battered, usually dies. You can chose not to be in relationship with someone whose life choices are consistently flawed to the point that it’s painful to watch.
You don’t get to pick his choices, but you do get to pick your relationships. And if, in the case of a child, you don’t want to completely remove this person from your life, you still can work at finding a less painful place from which to observe. You can strive for a little distance. This doesn’t make the pain go away, but it can let you breathe a little easier.
When you love someone, you open your heart. Love wouldn’t be of much value if you didn’t. This vulnerability can be challenging, but in the greater scheme, love brings tremendous strength and reward.