This also comes under the heading of explaining. You might want to tell your significant other why you’ve done something (or not done something), but be careful. When you explain yourself, you can sound defensive.
When you’re in the middle of an argument, you naturally want your partner to understand what you’re saying. Too often, though, this slips into a pattern in which you feel attacked and think you must defend yourself. If you find yourself saying the same things over and over, trying to make sure he gets it, you probably aren’t communicating as much as you’d hope.
Misunderstandings between couples are natural. Any two individuals in an intimate relationship are sometimes going to get cross-wise with each other. It’s unavoidable and working through conflicts can actually help you communicate better, but not if you’re spending your time defending yourself. This usually happens when you feel attacked or accused of something. Somehow in the mess of everything, your partner gets the wrong idea about something and you feel the need to explain.
Sometimes, of course, she gets the right impression of whatever you did or didn’t do and gets really angry about it. She saw your text to a cute girl and thought it was too flirty or didn’t like something you said to your mother about her.
Here’s an important bit of info–the important thing here isn’t what your partner thought you did wrong, but how she feels about you and the relationship. Stop explaining why you did what you did and start listening to her feelings–angry, hurt, unimportant–whatever. She needs to know that you care about her, not you just saying you care (think salesman), but in you acting like you care. Listening–and repeating this back in an understanding, non-parrot way–conveys that you’re hearing what your mate is telling you.
Listening and understanding what she’s saying and feeling sometimes seems like you’re admitting to something, but that’s not what I’m recommending. We’re not talking about you confessing to whatever she’s accusing you of, just that you need to hear her feelings.
She might be afraid you’re losing interest or be mad that you don’t really care what she wants or she might feel threatened by your family. Chances are that whatever she’s accusing you of doing, you didn’t intend to do. (All bets are off if you did intend any of this!) But don’t respond to the impulse to straighten her out or clarify your actions.
Start with closing your mouth and hearing her. Hearing her feelings, her concerns, her frustrations. If you’re in love with this person, you basically want the same things–you want both of you to prosper and to be happy in the relationship. You want her to feel loved by you and to love you.
Even when you’re fighting, you still want the same things. Don’t forget this. Your loved one wants you to be happy. You might feel attacked and have the urge to defend yourself, but this path won’t take you where you want to go.