Being a teen isn’t easy. Being the parent of a teen is really hard, too.
Few things are more intimate and up close than being parent and kid. You live together; you see each other at your worst and best. The process of parenting is way complicated when you consider that the kiddo generally came into the parent’s life as a tiny, yelling creature who couldn’t do anything for himself. You’re supposed to send this baby out into the world to make his own decisions(15 years later)? In the beginning, parents’ do everything for their children and take care of every need. But that changes as kids grow older and begin to make decisions.
It needs to change.
When in the younger stages–parents and kids are very entangled. The child needs parental supervision pretty much all the time. Whether kids are sleeping or awake, parents have to watch over them. But when they grow older–say into the teen years–kids want a little privacy. This shift can be confusing for everyone. Kids certainly want their parents to pay the rent or house payment and to bring home groceries(interesting ones are preferable). They also want perks, although these may seem like rights. Video games, sneakers that cost big bucks and DS players, not to mention really cool cell phones. (This only seems reasonable when parents are spending money on themselves!)
But the situation gets all murky when parents try to sort out what actually is reasonable to expect of teens. Chores? Doing well in school? Speaking calmly to their parents and telling parents where they’re going?
Your kids are used to you supplying them with all they need and want(remember the Christmas presents you bought so gladly?) Growing children have increasing capacities and you certainly don’t think it’s too much to ask that the trash be taken out, but they certainly aren’t prepared to be on their own. This parent-child thing is much like an Olympic race where one runner passes the baton to the next–your child. It’s classic for parents to say that they’ll start treating their kids like grown ups when the kids act like grown ups.
Only the transition isn’t typically smooth. I actually don’t think it’s supposed to be. This is a very complicated process for all. As much as parents are reluctant to have their special role diminished into nothing; kids are fearful of screwing up in the big world. It’s no wonder that more and more kids are delaying learning to drive. They aren’t sure they can make it as adults.
At the same time, they want all the latest electronics and no curfew. See? Complicated all around.
We parents want our kids to like us, but sometimes we have to say no. This does not make parents popular in the short term. If parents put consequences in place–part of the job–kids can say and do mean things. The less-powerful position of the juvenile makes this even more difficult. It’s hard not to have power and even harder to learn how to use intelligently the power we do have. Growing up means learning how to do this. It means taking out the trash without being reminded thirty times and turning off your bedroom light when you leave.
No one is completely at fault here. When parents come home from jobs they don’t like to deal with a demanding teen who hasn’t picked up his room or put his dishes in the dishwasher, they get a little testy. On the other hand, teens may know how to fix your phone when it blitzes out, but they can’t drive themselves places and they have to ask you for money. Both sides feel like the other has it pretty cushy…but both sides have frustrating things to deal with.
The teens (who’s generation have very brief attention spans) are no longer reading this, but parents need to remember that their kids are facing big, scary worlds. Yes, they need to stop yelling and cursing at you and they need to attend to their school work more. But cut them some slack because this growing up thing is hard to do…and cut yourself some slack, too, because parenting a teen can be confusing and enraging.
Pretty much, though, you both want the best for each other.