TELL HIM HE’S A GRANDFATHER? | FAMILY COUNSELING CENTER ASSOCIATION

One reader writes: “I got pregnant with my ex and he left me when I was four months along. …He hasn’t made any effort to see the baby and I haven’t seen him since we broke up. [Now] I wonder if I should tell my ex’s dad about the baby. He knew I was pregnant, but he’s not seen the baby, either, and I feel that its my fault that he thinks I don’t want him to see the baby. He hasn’t made an effort to see the baby, either. I know where my baby’s grandfather lives. Do you think I should go personally to his house and allow him to see the baby, so he can see that I have nothing against him?”

No, I don’t think you should go to his house. You said flat out that he knew you were pregnant. If he wants to see his grandson, the ball is really in his court. While you may feel badly that your child doesn’t have a father (or grandfather), you can’t do anything about that. This sucks and you can hate it, but you can’t change it. Parenting takes two willing people, (unless we’re talking about child support).

Your son deserves to be taken care of and you can take steps to get him what he needs financially. He also deserves to be loved, but you sadly can’t make his father or grandfather do this.

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“I am a 38 year old Hungarian woman. Four years ago, I met my husband on the internet and fell in love. I left my whole life in Hungary, including my elderly parents, my brother and my friends. I came to the United States and we got married. We are happy.

I do not have any children, but my husband has a twelve year-old daughter. In Hungary, I had three teaching degrees and was very respected. I was eager and happy to meet my new step-daughter. I did many things to care for my husband and his child, but she never appreciated this and never accepted me…she is always against me, talks back to me and sasses me…. I got pregnant and then lost the baby. I have high blood sugar and blood pressure and [this gets worse] when she comes to visit. She never listens to me. She hates me and everything that is related to me.

She’s always bored with us and never likes anything. I texted her mom, telling her some of this after a fight between the child and I, but she sent a message back that I was unreasonable and demanding with her child. I was shocked….I did not expect this.

When she is not in the home, I feel peaceful and calm. My husband goes and sees her every Wednesday and Saturday. This is better for me, but painful to my husband. I think they/we should go to a family therapist or psychologist. …My husband and I still love each other very

much, but we argue a lot. What do you think?”

Step parenting is very difficult, but you need to understand that this child didn’t ask for you in her life. She probably didn’t get to vote about her parents divorcing. I’m not saying that she should have had a say-so about this, but don’t expect her to like it, either.

I think this kid isn’t ever going to like you. Maybe she wouldn’t like anyone who was her father’s new wife. I don’t know. You need to quit trying to win her over. Let her be her father’s problem and if she doesn’t want to come to his house, he’s the one to deal with that. You, on the other hand, need to remove yourself from this fight. You can’t win it and you can’t make everything nice between you all. Her mom’s on her side because this is typically what moms do, they side with their kids.

Be the adult. Let her be a jerk, just don’t be one yourself.

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An Anonymous reader wrote, in response to the “Always A Cheater?” column:

“I’m the cheater. And I am so sorry, but not only am I sorry, I want to know what I can do to help the relationship heal. We had problems before, I know the cheating is all on me. I want to go to counseling. He doesn’t. He left, but is coming back as friends and “parents” to “our girls”–my daughter and granddaughter. He says he doesn’t want me or anyone, at this point, but we have a chance in the future. We have both said we aren’t going to see anyone else. I’m not, I swear. I NEVER want to see the hurt in his eyes caused by me that I witnessed. Ever again. What can I do?”

Go to counseling yourself–by yourself, if necessary. You feel horrible about cheating, but stop telling yourself you are a horrible person. You’re not. You messed up and made a bad choice.

Go to counseling and deal with your part of the issues that weren’t addressed in the relationship before you cheated. Even if he doesn’t want to go to therapy with you, you can benefit. You don’t want to hurt him again, but you can’t take all the relationship problems on yourself. He had some part of them. He didn’t cheat, but he has some part of the issues. Let’s let him have some power in this–power goes with responsibility. You can’t have one without the other.

Learn what you need to learn and work hard on forgiving yourself.

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As we approach the Thanksgiving season, it’s important to remember what you’re really grateful for. We tend to forget these things as we charge ahead in life, dealing with the daily issues. No life is perfect, but every life has some good parts.

Love yours and be thankful.