TOO FRIENDLY WITH HER EX? | FAMILY COUNSELING CENTER ASSOCIATION

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year now. She’s been divorced for three years and I’m the first person she dated. She has three kids–ages 10, 8 and 6. Her ex is very much a part of the kids’ lives, which is great. He gets the kids every other weekend. …Since he doesn’t have any family here, she invites him to all their family holidays and birthdays,…not just for the kids’ birthday parties, but also hers and her brothers. Now, all this I can handle. [It’s] a little weird, but whatever.

I met her kids five or six months after we started dating. Over time, I’ve started being around them more. …Her daughter asked me if I was going to a fall festival with them. I said I hadn’t been invited, but she then said her father was going. I later found out that my girlfriend’s ex stays at her place on Christmas Eve so he can be there in the morning when they wake up. He only lives fifteen minutes away. I wasn’t happy about all this, but didn’t say anything.

My girlfriend has invited me to go skiing with her and her family this winter. It turns out that her ex is going, too, and has even been the one booking the rooms. My girlfriend didn’t talk to me about this. I was talking to her dad and he mentioned it. I’ve talked with her about this, mentioning that it’s a difficult situation [for me]. My biggest problem is that she doesn’t see why I get upset and she won’t even try to understand where I’m coming from.

Now, we don’t display much affection to each other. Maybe a hug goodbye. Her middle daughter has made comments that she doesn’t like me near her mom because I’m not her dad. I understand that it’s natural for kids to want their parents to be together, but isn’t all this kind of confusing to the kids?–Dating Her and Her Ex

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Dear Dating,

Sounds like you’re confused about her feelings, too.

Yes, I think exs spending holidays together, going on vacations together and acting like friends can be confusing to kids, although this is better than them having a hostile relationship. The bigger issue here, however, is that you’re not sure of your position with your girlfriend. If she won’t clear this up for you, the two of you don’t have much future. Whether or not the ex is around, you need to be first in her affections or get gone.

My sister, who is 15 years older than me, has become a burden and I’m beginning to resent her. She’s been a tremendous help to me, so needless to say, I’m feeling very guilty. She’s a very passive-aggressive person and has made choices in her life that have led to her being completely alone with no husband, no kids and no friends.

Seventeen years ago, when my husband and I wanted to buy a house, we asked my sister to go in [with us] on the purchase of our house. We needed help and she had some money she wanted to invest. We also thought it was time she moved out of my parents’ house. When we first entered into this agreement, it was fine. She was pretty active and took trips by herself or with my daughter. As the years have gone on, she has become a recluse. She doesn’t go anywhere (except work) or do anything. She has started to insinuate herself into our lives. In February, she was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. She lost her job and now just sits in our family room for ten hours a day, watching television.

…When her disease progresses, we will have to discuss her going to a facility as our house is not conducive to having someone disabled living here. Here’s the thing, …when we entered into this agreement, we didn’t expect this is how it would turn out… My husband and I have been married for almost 19 years and have never been alone in our home. I feel she expects me to take care of her, but it’s not in my make-up to do that. Financially, it’s out of the realm of possibility. I can’t quit my job or take a leave for this.

I’m torn…I don’t know how to handle this. I’m in the middle. My siblings are all older than me, the youngest. They know of her situation and her illness, but they don’t get involved at all. They haven’t even picked up the phone to see how she’s doing. In three to five years, my husband will be retiring and we want to sell the house. At this time, my sister will need to make other arrangements, but how do I tell her without sounding like an awful person? My husband and I are looking forward to finally having some alone-time in our marriage. Please help!!! How do I handle this situation?”–Miserable in California

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Dear Miserable,

Here’s what you do–sell the house and split the proceeds with your sister, according to the percent she invested. You mentioned her investing in your home. Investments yield dividends. You may not make money on the sale of the house, but whatever you get should be split with your sister, if this was really an investment for her.

If she gave you the money for the house with the understanding that you’d take care of her the rest of her life, your changing your mind will understandably be upsetting to her.

I get that you don’t want to sound awful when you talk to her, but don’t expect her to be happy about any of this. When you and your husband took her money and cohabited with her for all these years, some assumptions were made–even if you had no clear agreement to care for her–and these persist now. She sees herself as part of your household (she has been) and expects to be cared for as such.

You speak about this being “your home”, but it’s her home, too. Both legally and emotionally.

What you’re doing now, is planning to end a partnership. Don’t expect her to be happy about this, particularly not with her disease limiting her health. You certainly have a right not to be her caretaker–not everyone is cut out for this. But you need to get clear about the finances. Sell the house and let her use the funds to provide for herself.

Transitions can be really, really scary, even if these are long planned for and dreamed of. Kids graduating from high school and heading off to college can be totally freaked out, even though they’re eager to finish high school and get out on their own. Just think about all the transitions in your life. Even the birth of a baby who’s conception was a dream can leave the parents with depression and anxiety. It’s a big, dang change.

But change can be exciting and scary. Recognizing these emotions as natural can help you progress forward. Going from kid-focused to kid-free when the children move away from home has long been recognized as potentially traumatizing for parents–it’s even got a cute name, the Empty Nest Syndrome. Lots of anxiety and depression comes with the change for some people, but they want their kids to move forward and are looking ahead to a less care-giving life themselves.

Those who marry, those who divorce. Even when the death of an elderly, infirm parent can leave you dealing with many emotions. You may be relieved that your loved one is out of pain, but suddenly you’re an orphan.

It’s important to recognize that transitions bring lots of emotions and they don’t all feel good. The kid going off to college or moving out on his own may worry about making it as an adult. Grown-ups who’ve been very child-focused may not know what to do with their extra time when there’s no kid at home anymore.

Transitions can be both good and bad. Sometimes they feel both ways. Give yourself some time…and if the bad feelings continue, talk to a therapist. Some roads are rough and it’s nice to have someone along for the ride.