TOUGH TO BE THE TOUGH ONE | FAMILY COUNSELING CENTER ASSOCIATION

“I’m writing this because I need some advice. I really don’t know how you will help me with this, but I figured I’ll write. I just found out that my mom has tumors in her stomach and she might have ovarian cancer. I’ve been the ‘hard a**’ during this situation, trying to keep hope alive, but I’m extremely tired of playing this role. …My plans with my boyfriend are once again on hold…. It seems like I can only run to my best friend and…I don’t want to drag her into this situation because she’s been my [strength through] all my problems. So now I only have a pillow to hug because I’m dealing with this crap alone.

I can’t shake this dream I had three weeks ago that my mom and my boyfriend’s best friend’s mother were dead. …I feel this dream was a warning…. My mom has [multiple serious health issues]. She’s only 53 years old…and she’s not supposed to be dying. I’ve already lost my father in ’08… I would really like my mom to be here when I have a family of my own. I really don’t know what to do at this point, but sit in the dark alone. How can I rectify this situation or cope with this better?”–L

Dear L,

My sympathies on the loss of your father. You are in a terribly stressful situation, already suffering the loss of one parent and now facing the likelihood of being completely orphaned by the possible death of your mother. It’s understandable that you’ve tried to be the Rock, the tough one in the face of your mother’s bad health, but it’s important that you get some care for yourself. She has lots of people working to save her. Medical personnel who are trained in this. It’s time to ask your mother’s physician for contacts to local support groups. You’re not the only one going through this and this isn’t the time for you to try to tough it out.

You’re dream is a reflection of your anxiety about this situation. Being worried about this is completely normal. NOT being worried wouldn’t make sense, but your wanting to believe she’ll pull through this is also completely normal. Sometimes life isn’t fair. You’ve been dealt a rough hand. Your grief and fear fit this situation, but that doesn’t mean you can’t come through it. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel when you’re in the tunnel is impossible.

You asked how you can rectify this situation, how you can cope with it better. Sadly, you can’t fix your mother’s health. You also need to stop trying to tough this out alone. You need to let a bigger circle of friends into your grief. Be okay with asking for help. It may not be comfortable, but this is vital. Give yourself permission to let others be with you. Your mom needs you to be okay. Don’t just take care of her, take care of you by letting others be with you now.

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Forgiving others when they’ve offended you is a very difficult path. I’m not in favor of trying to forgive those you’re letting continue to offend you, but hanging on to grief and anger helps no one. Sometimes forgiveness is a release.

Harboring hatred and anger only hurts the vessel, the one holding the scalding emotions. We get confused about forgiveness, considering that we need to act as if the offense never happened. This behavior comes closer to being denial than forgiveness.

When you’ve been offended by another individual–this can include anything from the murder of a loved one to infidelity–think carefully about what you need at this moment…and then yield the offender to the universe. We don’t always see it, but actions bring consequences. This can be the end of a marriage or a life-long battle with innumerable personal issues. Bad relationship outcomes, difficult parenting relationships or even health problems–all of these can be the results of poor choices.

You might not see the universe delivering consequences, but actions always yield these. Sometimes the most important thing we can do for ourselves is to let others’ come by the results of their choices. We don’t have to hate or worry or harbor ill will.

We get what we deserve, even if that isn’t always seen. You don’t have to go on hating or hurting. Forgive the offender and let yourself start healing.

Think carefully about whether your anger is hurting the offender or hurting you.