Cheating happens in just over half of all relationships, although the statistics are wobbly since people don’t easily admit to this behavior. The inference here is that lots of people aren’t happy in their relationship commitments. Even though this is fairly common, most feel badly about breaking their vows. But they still do it way too often.
Why not just leave?
They don’t hate their mates
Although cheaters have taken a step that gravely endangers their relationships, it’s not a simple matter. They may not be happy in their main relationship, but they still have affection for their mates. When I ask clients about this, they tell me they love their mates and don’t want them out of their lives. Of course, people don’t usually come see me when they’ve already decided to leave, so the population I generally hear from are the ones who want to stay…at least they want to see if they can save the relationship. The others call lawyers or a moving company or both.
Lots of people struggle with not wanting to lose out on the good things in their relationships. This may seem contradictory, but even when a relationship is floudering, there generally are good moments.
They think they should stay for the kids
This is a big concern for a lot of people and, really, aren’t we supposed to be concerned about our kids? Makes sense, right? But if a parent is cheating, the whole family has been suffering, and usually has been for some time. If the primary relationship is impaired enough that one(or both) partners have stepped outside it, the kids are already suffering. People want to argue with me about this, saying they don’t fight in front of the children and that their kids have no idea they’re unhappy. While children don’t usually want parents to split up, they almost always know when things aren’t going well. They’re smaller and dependent on your well-being–they have radar regarding what’s going on with you. They know.
While more kids than you’d expect sit in my office and tell me they wish their parents would just divorce already, some kids don’t want their worlds disturbed. Their perspective might be selfish, but childhood tends to be more me-focused. It’s a developmental thing.
They don’t want to end the associated things.
This is about friends and family. And lifestyle, to some degree. This may seem selfish, at first, but consider that many people have had years of connection and they love their in-laws. Not everyone hates their mother-in-law. Divorce or break-up usually ends all contact between families and the former spouse, at least for a while. Most never really connect up again and this can be a wrenching experience if his parents are more loving toward her than her parents ever were.
People consider this and sometimes stay in very unhappy marriages because they don’t want to let go of joint friends or non-biological family.
Let’s also be realistic that divorce/separation changes lifestyle. The cheater may have to live in a cheaper house in a less-desirable neighborhood. They may drive a much less reliable car or be unable to afford membership in clubs and activities.
Don’t judge–
It’s very easy to sit by and be critical, particularly if someone you love–or you–were the injured mate. Cheating is never a good solution, but it is an indication of significant distress in the relationship. No one cheats when they feel loved and connected with their mates.
If you’ve got problems in the relationship, get help. It’s more effective and leaves you feeling less guilty.