“My father has admitted to having an affair with a woman a few years ago. At the time, my mother was very upset and even threatened to leave, but somehow they worked it out. However, he still seems to be seeing this woman. They talk on the phone for hours at a time, he visits her house frequently, leaving my mother home alone for extended periods of time. This other woman even comes to visit my parents’ house when my mother is there, like they are friends. When I ask my mother about why they’re sill in contact and why she’s visiting their house, she doesn’t want to talk about it. My father seems not to think he’s doing anything wrong. Normally, I wouldn’t get involved, but I’m concerned about my mother’s health, which wasn’t great to begin with and has gone downhill since this all started. I mentioned counseling to my mother, but she says she doesn’t want to do it (and doesn’t believe my father would do it.) But I know she’s embarrassed and the situation upsets her. Is there anything I can do to help this situation? I feel like I have to do something given my mother’s health, but I’m not sure what to do.”–Concerned Daughter
YOU HAVE POWER…EVEN IF YOU DON’T FEEL THAT WAY
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Dear Concerned Daughter,
I understand why you’re worrying, but I don’t think there’s much you can do. Your mom is an adult and she gets to decide how to handle her marital problems. This situation is a version of the parents of adult children worrying about their grown children’s choices. Although you love your mom, you need to act on your belief in her being able(and having the right) to direct her own life.
Don’t assume, though, that she’s as distressed about this as you are. Some mates are relieved not to be required to perform their sexual duties. Others have seen their lengthy marriages settle into a life partnership that isn’t particularly romantic. You just don’t know. Even when her health issues make this situation more complicated, you still can’t force or argue either her or your father into dealing differently with their marital issues.
This may not be the kind of marriage you–or I!–want, but we don’t get to say what’s best for your mom. Loving them doesn’t give you the right to tell them what to do.
I am concerned, however, at how much you know about their situation. When you have no capacity to change an upsetting life drama, the less you know, the easier it is.
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YOU HAVE POWER…EVEN IF YOU DON’T FEEL THAT WAY
Some situations and some relationships are very frustrating, particularly if you’re directly involved. Even if you can’t directly wave a wand and make things different, however, you still have choices.
Power lies in using our choices in the best way.
The key here is to consider the choices you do have–not just the ones you wish you had. Lots of people want their mates to be different and many have verbalized their complaints about different aspects of their mates’ behavior. But we don’t have control over others’ function. You can’t just flip a switch and make it all different.
The author and theorist Viktor Frankl survived WWII concentration camps, observing that the prisoners had ultimate control over how the lived, even in those harsh conditions. He commented that they had no ability to gain freedom or to decide who lived or died, but they could direct their own behavior. He talked of the power in making the choice to eat or share his scrap of bread.
We have ultimate control over us and our behavior.You can change your function. We have control over what we do and what we say. This is our greatest power. Think about how you participate in the situation that you hate–what you say and what you do. Altering these can have a big effect on your experience.