The transition from childhood to adulthood is scary and the fact that we parents have given our children so much, only complicates things. Of course we want to give them stuff. After all, we have stuff. But kids now struggle more than ever to believe in themselves.
The hard question for adults–is how much to help? We always want to help!
My husband and I have two daughters and have asked ourselves often–what is helping and what isn’t. We want–as all loving parents do–to enable these two to realize they are strong, capable people. Heck, they’ve already dealt with the range of friends-who-aren’t-really-friends and boyfriends who are more a waste of time than any real benefit to them. Not to mention surviving college.
It’s very difficult to know what is too much when it comes to parenting an older child. The term “parenting” switches from being a verb to a noun. In the beginning, parents do a heck of a lot! As kids get older, they need to do more for themselves. Then “parenting” becomes a noun, a role you occupy.
This is the phase of kids’ lives when a parent’s job is to prop, not steer. When your kid is twelve, you tell him to change his shorts and to get a haircut, but this is counter-productive if he’s twenty-two. Parents don’t get to tell their kids what to do when the kids are old enough to be tried as adults.
Knowing when and how to prop is a big decision. Do you pay for college? Trade school? Help with the down payment on their first house? Some folks don’t even have the option of helping their kids financially–some even have to move in with their children after a job loss or financial set-back. But some of us do have the means to be somewhat helpful, it’s just not always easy to know how best to help.
The ultimate question to ask yourself is: Can the child do this him or herself? Be brutally honest with the answer and don’t cave because it’s hard to watch someone you love struggle. Remember, we humans face struggle in life. We have to know we can do it. Even the birth process is an example of this.
We want them to be stronger, because we can’t really make life easier.