CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE?

John writes that his “Daughter is sixteen [and] clueless about how much her mother does for her. [My wife] drives her to lessons and the mall. Our daughter only does chores when asked.” But John has a bigger problem. His wife is “…set off by almost anything and deals with most issues by getting angry.” He writes that his wife changes the subject when he addresses a point, saying that her response to what he offers is usually negative.

He’s tired of being everyone’s counselor.

Sadly, this is a scenario taking place in hundreds of thousands of homes. While his teenage daughter is stepping forward into adulthood and that’s a scary time for a kid. She’s getting closer to this age-wise, even if she’s not acting like an adult. It can also be a maddening time for parents. You’re just trying to do your job. You’re attempting to raise a responsible grown-up who makes good choices and sees that her behavior gets the results she’s facing. You want good things for her.

Everyone’s stressed here. The parents biggest concern is that their children are safe and make good choices. They want their kids to have strong careers and healthy relationships, but some of their behaviors can bring them bad stuff. This is a distressing period both for growing kids and for the parents who love them.

My best answer for John is to step back. Believe in your wife and your daughter enough to let them work out their conflicts. I know this isn’t easy. You’re made crazy by the fighting and you don’t want to see your daughter make mistakes. Parents hate the reality that they can’t stop kids from facing consequences. They want to protect their children bad things, but this isn’t always possible. His wife wants him to step in and side with her. She wants him to MAKE their daughter listen. She is mad because he’s trying to be the U.N., running interference between two warring factions.

Give it up, John. You can’t sort this out for the two of them and trying to do this isn’t winning you any points with either one of them. Your wife needs you to understand her frustrations without trying to explain the kid’s feelings. Just listen and understand. Don’t try to get her to stop being mad. She’s in a maddening position. You also need to stop trying to explain your angry wife to your daughter. Quit defending everyone.

They need to sort through their relationship themselves.

If your wife is angry with you for not standing up to your daughter or wants you to lay down the law (Do something with her!) because your kid listens to you better, that can be complicated. Start by telling your wife that you understand her feelings. You do. Your daughter seems a little insane right now and you can see your wife’s struggle with her. You may want to tell your wife to stop being so angry with your daughter(and with you!), but this won’t work. People don’t stop being mad because someone tells them to. If you really hear her distress and understand that she wants–as do you–the very best for your daughter–you have a better chance of her calming down with you.

You need to encourage your wife to talk to your daughter without you stepping in the middle. This can be difficult if you’ve always functioned as their intermediary, but you can do it. Start by telling your wife you believe in her ability to communicate with your child. Remind her how important she is to the kid. Above all, do not try to sort this out for the two of them. You’ll just get beat up.

You and your wife might benefit from talking to a therapist together to learn how to better handle the challenges of parenting a teen and remaining an intact couple. Remember, when your daughter has gone off and is chasing her own life, you and your wife are left dealing with one another.

It would be nice if you could be one another’s strength.